A confetti of musings this morning that, as I cast them in language, somehow appeared to be in private conversation with one another. I thought to myself: what can I learn by listening in?
***
“All progress must come from deep within and cannot be pressed or hurried by anything. Everything is gestation and then bringing forth.” – Rilke
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The hammer of heartbreak, the way it cracks the foundations of things — has always sent me out-of-doors in search of reassurance. I want to talk through the darkness in good company, find my own imprint in the trees and sky, hold some auspicious talisman. I want to huddle with other tender hearts, gather kindling and nourishment to assuage the winter feelings. These instincts are not wrong, not useless, but they are warm clothes on a cold body: a symptomatic treatment. Most heart recovery is a slow intramural effort that unfolds across its own timeline: no one can give it to you, and you won’t find it in the prestigious or material trappings of the day either. Most healing is an in-house job.
****
I think of my deceased friend Elizabeth a lot in the fall; her 42nd birthday would have been September 26th, and somehow, in that hauntingly beautiful way in which the people we love and lose turn into places, she has become synonymous with high school, with the pencil-sharpening and new sneaker feeling of September. She has become a month, then, too, returned to me each year. Time has softened the sadness but I still feel it, and her; I think my full grief over her death did not emerge until many years after she passed. I was too focused on denial and distraction in the early years. I did not yet have the tools in place to accommodate what I was feeling; I was terrified by the sea-widths of my grief. I didn’t want to look at it. I was white-knuckling at the bow, eyes clenched closed against the sea-spray, the horizon. It took until my 30s — until I’d endured other losses, and been forced to learn that avoidance is a failing strategy — to confront those wounds, and I did it on the page, word by painstaking word. Sometimes I sit down, even now, years after she has left, and feel there is still so much to say, that I haven’t tipped myself all the way out.
****
From “In a Northern Country,” Linda Pastan wrote, in memoriam her aunt:
I was struck by these words, which carry a quiet violence. One redemption: while the endlessness of the seasons may taunt us while living, they are a beautiful way to bring us back to those we’ve lost. September returns Elizabeth to me.
****
In Greek mythology, a young Phaethon approaches his father, Helios, god of the sun, and is granted one wish. Despite Helios’ fervent attempts to dissuade him, Phaethon begs to drive his father’s chariot to open the skies, and is granted his desire. The boy immediately loses control of the chariot, wreaking fiery havoc on Earth; the gods must intervene by striking and killing him with a thunderbolt. The chariot and its driver fall into the mysterious river Eridanus, where Phaethon’s sisters gather in mourning and are then turned into poplar trees that forever weep amber into the water.
As in all Greek mythology, the story glints with the deeply, familiarly human: a boy’s desire to be his father, to assume his mantle of importance; the unheeded advice of elders by sun-enchanted youth; the doom of greed; the sisterly commitment. But there are also intriguing openings: What drove Phaethon to his father’s palace in the first place? “An errand so urgent” — what was it? The envious awe of watching his father open the skies each morning? The will to be bigger than himself? The desire to confirm his parentage? And why did Helios indulge his son in what was assuredly a death-wish? What does it mean that Phaethon’s sisters were turned into mourning trees, planted in their own sorrow? Were they caught in grief of their own making? Was it a punishment somehow assigned to them, to be carried out on their branching shoulders?
Most importantly: what do I see of myself in this story? Do I find myself in the too-lenient parent, the too-greedy boy, or the sorrowful sister, stuck in her own grief?
****
“The idea that I had all the value I’d ever need was concealed from me my whole life. I want a refund. In this world of suffering and grace, of brokenness and sky, of bad skin and buckteeth and one another, I cannot add to the value of myself. It’s not out there.” – Anne Lamott
****
Stevie Nicks, on “Gypsy”: “That’s one part of me…that’s where my songs come from. ‘Going back to the velvet underground/back to the floor that I love,’ because I always put my bed on the floor. ‘To a room with some lace and paper flowers/ back to the gypsy that I was.’ And that’s San Francisco. That’s the Velvet Underground. Those are the things that I can’t give up…The clothes I wear, that doesn’t change. I love long dresses. I love velvet. I love high boots. I never change. I love the same eye make-up. I’m not a fad person. I still have everything I had then.”
I still have everything I had then. Perhaps she intended it literally, but what a gorgeous sentiment: that we don’t lose things to time, but collect them quietly inside. That we carry what we need with us, securely inside these walls.
Post-Scripts.
+Elizabeth’s roses on the side of our house.
Shopping Break.
+LOVE the color and fit of this oversized wool coat. I always encourage friends to buy boldly colored outerwear — we’re usually so drawn to blacks, tans. A dramatic coat will make your winter wardrobe! (Speaking of: this $$$ Pucci!)
+Fun party top at a great price. This is what I should have worn to the Taylor Swift theater experience (I took my daughter last weekend – really fun).
+Speaking of party-wear: Hill House launched a party capsule yesterday, and I love this brocade. This little jacket is also very chic.
+Urgent: ICYMI yesterday, the Hatch Restore and a few other incredible regrettably worth it items are on sale right now.
+My favorite dress during this season where it’s still kind of warm (occasionally hot) but you want to wear fall colors. It’s a super lightweight, airy cotton, and I find the fit lengthening.
+Donni’s fourth fall drop landed yesterday, and I ordered this balletic rib knit scoopneck in that gorgeous burgundy. I find myself increasingly looking for slimmer/trimmer-fit tops to pair with the wider leg / fuller bottoms en vogue right now. Also love these chino barrels and thought these ribbed knit pants (with matching cardi) would be a chic airplane look.
+Anthro is offering 25% off fashion favorites. I love this plaid dress, these pull-on drawstring pants, and this charming blockprint cosmetics case!
+Can’t have enough patterned turtlenecks. These look so good layered beneath solid colored jackets, wraps, capes, knits.
+I keep turning to the brand LNA for cotton basics. I just picked up these solid tees. They’re a lot like Leset — great, elevated cotton basics — but I find the fit a little more feminine/snug at LNA. (Leset tends to run boxy.
+Obsessed with this emerald lizard-effect clutch. The belt detail is so chic! It’s not inexpensive but it looks like it could be vintage Hermes or something.
+Perfect under-$100 dark wash jeans.
+My favorite inexpensive leggings.
+Oo this bangle set reminds me of Hermes.
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