I extend and recede like the waves, drawing in the sand and letting out the whitewash: sometimes absorbing what is left on the shore, sometimes impressing myself upon it.
To wit:
My daughter, now drumming her own musical interests upon me: her favorite Benson Boone song recently planted in my running playlist. How wild: my voice brought her into this world, comforted her for years — “Edelweiss” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem” in the waning light of her nursery — and now she brings new sounds to me. Now she wedges her own lyrics, her own universes, right into my own.
My girlfriends, sending me pictures of robins pecking at hoarfrost, or unusual tree canopy: I notice these because you do. I see in those missives how far our voices can carry, how friendship is like one long game of telephone: a thin and makeshift wire strung between two bedroom windows, transmitting companionship. Us receiving one another, with cupping hands.
The mother who looked over my head, drifting listlessly out of my laboring attempts at conversation, seeming to hunt for something else — better conversation? a more interesting companion? — or maybe, I reasoned later, it was simply a social anxiety, or the toll and drudge of endless smalltalk at parent gatherings, or maybe I was boring after all: “And where is your oldest one at school? Any fall travel plans?” (Ad tedium!)
The friend who, I suddenly discovered, draws me down when I am with her. A lovely woman, a smart one: discerning, turned-out in the best way. But when we are together, it is a gloom-ridden exchange: the fatigue of back to school; the onerousness of social commitments. I find myself nodding along, chipping in, groaning in solidarity, and then afterward, feeling a kind of sickness as I pluck myself out of the mire.
My mother, correcting me in useful ways when I am browbeating: “I don’t see you like that at all, Jennifer,” she told me over coffee in Pennsylvania. And she knows me better maybe than I do. So let me trust the whistles and clicks that draw me back to my own center: echolocation, courtesy of my mother.
I watch myself run into and out of these interactions, cresting and retreating. I am the ocean learning to dive, I am the whitecap pushed by wind and wave.
Is this how we always are, this fluid? Never quite in stasis?
One pro to this condition: there are a thousand new beginnings breaking each and every day. The water has no pinned perimeter. We can let ourselves out and in as much as we like.
Post-Scripts.
+The shallow places that become ponds.
Shopping Break.
+These flats arrived (I got them in the leopard — kind of surprised myself!) and the hype is correct: these are insanely comfortable. Very pliable, soft leather, with a good amount of give. LOVE. Can’t wait to pair with dark wash denim and a pop of red. Or maybe all camel everything and these as the counterpoint.
+Excuse me – Sezane’s just-released knitwear collection is incredible. I am obsessed with this sweater and the matching little knit scarf. Also LOVE the Thais in dark taupe and this gorgeous burgundy knit dress.
+These wide-leg textured jeans in the most gorgeous chocolate color…! OMG.
+This merino turtleneck will be on HIGH REPEAT in your fall wardrobe. I’m ordering to layer beneath this jacket but I’m confident I’ll be pairing it with and beneath everything in my closet. A couple of other just-released J. Crew new arrivals: this brushed cashmere rugby sweater (in gray? with a leather skirt or pants?), these wide leg sweats in that great “forest cherry” color, and this sweater jacket.
+Another great wear-with-everything knit: this burgundy dream.
+I think a lot of us already bought these adorable Halloween jams, but if not — they are 40% off, meaning like $11/pair!
+Perfect wear-to-anything fall dress.
+It may feel a little early, but these tree toppers will assuredly be gone by the time the holidays roll around — love this laurel style and this bow style!
+A fun, bold wool scarf for fall.
+These just-released Dorsey Riviere necklaces had a nearly 5,000 person long waiting list! Tres chic. I own and love their James Bezel style — the round shape of the stones is so pretty and feminine.
+Hotel Lobby just restocked its handwashes. Speaking of good-smelling home products, I have been loving this mandarin-and-peppermint-scented laundry detergent. Highly concentrated and effective. For bed linens and towels, I often swap in Dedtergent because it just feels like what you want to lay yourself into at the end of the day — luxe, clean, delicate!
+This cool bag looks like it is by Loewe but costs less than $500. And the colors/material make it basically seasonless and outfit-appropriate for everything.
+My favorite gray sweatshirt is 30% off. It’s SO soft on the inside — like a Barefoot Blanket material — and I love the vintage details and silhouette.
+Thanks to a Magpie reader for discovering this bold, under-$100 patterned fleece.
+This upholstered slipper chair is so charming, and under $300.
+Lauren of the So Can I podcast interviewed me last month, and the podcast is scheduled for release today!
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