What Have You Had to Unlearn in Your 30s?

Earlier this week, a girlfriend and I were talking about how our late 30s and early 40s have been less about learning new things and more about unlearning old habits. We were talking mainly about our bodies — how what worked in terms of sleep, diet, exercise, alcohol, at 28 or 34 no longer holds true. I find this particularly resonant in the fitness realm, and evidently so do many of you; I’m still sifting through the excellent comments you left on last Saturday’s post about “gentler workouts.” One of you wrote: “I’ve come to realize that workouts still “count” when they’re gentler,” and I felt an inward twinge of sad sympathy. Because of course they count! And yet there we were, over-disciplining ourselves, depriving ourselves of the round joy of intentionally moving our bodies. And another wrote:

“It’s definitely a challenge to dial it back for some workouts. As a former runner who did a lot of 5k and 10k races, I like the competitive nature of the leaderboard but find myself still going hard during the 1 min cooldown at the end to get my output higher, which is not the point of cooldown! I do everything from low impact to HIIT & hills, but have been incorporating more low impact lately when my body is in the low energy phase of my cycle. Challenging to undo years of hard workout habits, especially when I haven’t felt a physical benefit from the new approach yet…but easier to be motivated to hop on the bike when I not feeling super energized.”

I found myself nodding vigorously. “Undoing years of hard workout habits” has been on my mind the past few years. It occurred to me at some point a few years ago that I was having trouble committing to a regular running regimen because I’d set the bar too high; it was impractical for my schedule and punishing to my body. I’ve since changed the formula and embraced more of a “fractional” mindset when it comes to fitness by introducing new exercise formats to break up the monotony, shortening my workouts, and making the goal more about moving my body than hitting any hard and fast goals on pace or mileage. Eventually, I stopped tracking my runs at all; the metrics simply weren’t helping me in any way. Now I just mark a calendar to signal to myself “I raised my heart rate for 20-30 minutes this day.” And that’s a more accurate way of measuring for my true fitness goals, which are a) mental wellness and b) overall heart health. But my God, the Jen of 28 or 32 would have rioted! This is embarrassing to share, but the Jen of even five years ago would leave for a run and not stop once — come hell or high water. My ankle would be screaming with pain, or I’d be pitched to the side with a nasty stomach cramp, and I’d keep going, believing that if I stopped, I’d somehow scrap the entire run. Nowadays, if my knee or hip or foot is bothering me, I stop and stretch. I walk for a bit. I dial it back. Young Jen would be appalled. But you know, that’s OK. What worked for her doesn’t work for me; “the past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” Maybe aging with grace is accepting these transitions at face value, with the humility of understanding my body is no longer that of a 22 year old. I must not cling to past habits because I was comfortable there, or because they gave me some private and abstract sense of success. If anything, I should thank the younger Jen for giving it all in her 20s and 30s; she brought me to a place of awareness.

There is a beautiful poem by Emory Hall:

Make peace
with all the women
you once were.

Lay flowers
at their feet.

Offer them incense
and honey
and forgiveness….

Bless them
and let them be.

For they are the bones
of the temple
you sit in now.

For they are
the rivers
of wisdom
leading you toward
the sea.

The rivers of wisdom we carry with us! Amen! What else have these straits of insight led us to undo, or unlearn, in our 30s and early 40s? Please share in the comments. I could write, for example, an entire second essay on the relationship things I’ve unlearned over the past decade. They mainly circle around themes of letting things go/letting people be, not waiting for the apology, and noticing — and investing in — the relationships that give back.

What else would you add?

Post-Scripts.

+11 surprises about getting older.

+Have you ever surprised yourself?

+A voice like good rivers.

+Every phase is a good phase.

+If you need some encouragement on the eve of a big decision, or the start of something new: you’re gonna love it.

Shopping Break.

+J. Crew new arrivals are here! I feel like this linen popover dress will get a lot of wear, but how FUN are these patterned pants?! I ordered them! I also have this dress in my cart. It reminds me of a style I loved from Posse a season or two back.

+LOVE this rainbow-stripe skirt. And this blue and white striped skirt, too.

+Fun vacation shorts.

+You must check out the new arrivals at J. Crew Factory for kids. My son loves these performance polos (super soft — he has in a few stripes; I love the lavender) but they just released some fun patterns that remind me of the ones from Rhoback. Also LOVE these Loro Piana-esque loafers for my son; ordering for Easter! And of course their dock shorts are summer staples year in and year out. Great price, good colors, not too long. (We also sneak them in as uniform shorts for him…). And for girls: this tankini and this one-piece, and these Jacadi-inspired shorts with these striped tanks!

+The J. Crew Factory finds above inspired me to put together this cute little mood board of finds for little ones!

+I’m not capable of contouring or any kind of complex makeup application, but I will say this Westman stick makes it easy to define cheekbones. You swipe a little bit beneath where you’d apply your blush on your cheeks — just under your cheekbones — and along your hairline and blend and it gives you such great definition! I have it in the biscuit color.

+Speaking of beauty though — Sephora’s spring promotion launches today for VIB Rouge (20% off sitewide). Add this moisturizer to your cart! I know so many of us are hooked on it. I alternate between that and the The Outset depending on what my skin needs. The InnBeauty formula is more plumping and hydrating — like a big wallop of moisture — whereas The Outset feels a bit lighter. Both absorb beautifully. Other beauty purchases I’ve recently loved: this Gucci bronzer (truly a holy grail product for me – so natural and believable; I took in the “2” color); my favorite mascara (and it’s $20!); and this eyeshadow palette. All my favorite Sephora buys here.

+CHIC spring blazer.

+Sweet bucket bag in a fun shade of orchid.

+How adorable is this backpack for your pre-K baby?

+You all are loving this raffia bag. Under $150!

+All my best recent Amazon finds here.

+Fun shorts for your little love.

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