I have been thinking about two poems a lot this week, the first by A.R. Ammons and the second by Our Queen Mary Oliver:
Both of them run like warm water on my ego: a soft dissolution. How small I am in the face of the ancient and endless; how trivial. A perfect antidote to (or prophylactic against) the contortions born of stress and frustration over the most inane everyday things. A narrow example: forgetting (and then midnight-hour-remembering) that I needed petty cash for a school fundraiser, and to order a costume element for one of my children. These things can fray the nerves but then I step back and say, “Good God, why am I bent out of shape over this nothing? It will happen or it won’t, and still the sun will rise, and my children will be fed and loved and put into their warm beds with kisses on the foreheads. Which is to say: I am still, in spite of many writings on this topic, thinking that every ball I am juggling is made of glass when a lot of them are in fact plastic.”
What is the most important thing, Jen? What is love asking of me today, and can I fulfill that one request and truly let go of the less important things on my docket?
For me, “letting go of the less important” is more akin to “forgiving myself for not doing things I wish I could do.” I am deeply hardwired to close every loop, to cross every item off my list, to get the A grade, to be known as “the responsible one” — and to feel true remorse when I cannot. Completion desire! My deep-rooted Catholic guilt! My eldest daughter identity! My bruiseable ego! Oliver and Ammons are useful instructors in this regard. Their words remind me to step outside my narrow self. I look then at Jen of today, worrying over the woolly details, self-involved and high-strung, and ask: what is she doing fretting about that? The most important thing is that she is an instrument for love. That she is present and available. That she knows that she’s living one of her limited-edition wild and precious days.
John Keats had this concept of negative capability — this sense that accessing profound meaning (truth, beauty, sublimity, whatever you want to call it) requires comfort with irresolution. Not everything is going to resolve to a fine point. Not everything can be categorized and filed away, with throat-clearing philosophical conviction. Life is movement, and change — no fixed points. The poems above get at that: the need to become porous and receptive to the unknown. To become a nothing. A filter, a shallow pass-through panning for gold. I think this skill carries over into the everyday, too: how can I approach my day with less emphasis on myself and more pronation to its waiting bounties? How can I surrender to what I know I must do? How can I embrace the fact that today is the middle of something, and I might not even know what it is the middle of? How can I let the day just be what it is?
One facilitator in all of this, I am learning, is to look at things from the “I get to do this” lens. Sometimes when I am sprinting to school pick-up, in that “get from point a to point b as quickly as possible” mode, I will stop myself and think: “This is what we’re doing right now, and isn’t that lucky? This is THE THING we are doing. It is in fact the most important thing I can be doing right now. I am right where I’m meant to be. I am getting my beloved son from his happy school and I am bringing the best energy I can to this moment. Aren’t I lucky to be able to do this?! On this beautiful day? To take a break from work and listen to some good music and watch him run into my arms on the asphalt?!” It sounds absurdly Pollyanna, but these inner “hype talks” wash like a warm wave over me, touching everything. Likewise, it’s not “oh geez, I have to find $2 for that fundraiser,” it’s — “my son is going to love that donut, and aren’t we lucky that someone arranged this for the school, and I am grateful to that mom who is currently driving 15 boxes of Dunkin Donuts down River Road.” (Truly, thanks to that mom. You are doing the most!)
I’m telling you, practicing that Patti Smith energy can rearrange your morning and color it gold. Name what you love, name what is good; dissolve yourself into the day’s upside. If you need to, read Mary Oliver or A.R. Ammons. Imagine yourself lying down by the river and becoming a nothing. Envision the endless, ancient ocean and how it quietly it self-regulates; let it shrink and swallow your shouting voice.
Onward!
Sunday Shopping.
Today is the final day of the Blue Mercury sale – 20% off! I can’t implore you to use this promotion to buy the Dyson Air Wrap. This tool has changed my hair and the way I feel about it. The first time I used it, I was truly astounded — my hair, which has never done an interesting thing in its life, curled and actually held a curl all day long. I would advise looking up a few videos on TikTok/YT to see how people use it – it’s not necessarily intuitive once you get it out of the box, but it is VERY easy as soon as you see someone else use it. Other items to consider using this promotion for: everyone’s favorite CE Ferulic Acid, Dr. Diamond plasma, Byredo perfume! These are items difficult to find at a discount throughout the year.
Now, onto some more fun shopping finds for those of you on hour six of football or maybe just waking up with a cup of coffee. First, I really like the monochromatic look of pairing a sweater with leggings, cool sneaks, and a barn jacket for sideline Saturdays and Sundays — try a simple cotton rollneck like this (such a perfect, rich shade of nutmeg brown). Comfortable, practical, but a tiny bit more elevated. (I threw this together in a styled outfit look here!) I’m so loving brown sneakers this season. A few favorites:
01. VERONICA BEARD // 02. CHLOE KICK // 03. CHLOE NAMA // 04. ADIDAS // 05. DOLCE VITA // 06. ISABEL MARANT // 07. TORY BURCH // 08. TOTEME
For cozy carpool mornings, try pointelle pants (look for less here) with a great sweatshirt (vibe for less here), cozy socks, and these clogs. (See in a styled look here.)
Two other splurge fashion items on my radar: 01 // Mansur Gavriel just released a drawstring version of their gorgeous Cabas bag. You might recall I own this in a dark green pebble leather and absolutely adore her. She feels fresh and new in this gorgeous suede drawstring format! A Magpie just wrote asking me whether she should get the drawstring or open top and I advised the drawstring — 1) practical and 2) just a little more visually interesting. I love the saddle brown suede and the burgundy pebble leather. MG also just released this mini Cabas in oxblood croc that I’m swooning over! 02 // I featured a Blaze Milano suede blazer in this post and a Magpie wrote to me absolutely RAVING about this brand and its jackets. She said she invested in one a couple seasons ago and it’s completely charged her wardrobe. I am in loveee with this shearling style but honestly every single one is beyond. UGH! So good.
On the home front: just discovered a chic seasonal edit of home decor finds at Mayfair Hall, including this chinoiserie pumpkin and this richly patterned tablecloth. I also picked up a few things at Terrain for Halloween this week, including this rattan bat and this front door wreath.
Finally, on the beauty front — last month, I started using undereye patches a little more frequently, whenever I had the time while getting ready for a night out or when I had a particularly leisurely morning (after work out, post-shower, pre-getting-dressed). I notice such an ENORMOUS difference in how my makeup wears and how awake/alert I look, and I’ve started to want to do it more regularly — like, as often as possible. I really love the ones from Jillian Dempsey and YSE but it becomes a high dollar habit if you’re using multiple times a week. Does anyone have any less expensive ones they love? I just ordered these Peter Thomas Roth ones, which get incredible reviews and are a much better value ($1.80 per set versus $6.30 or $7.50) but curious if anyone has any rave reviews about inexpensive ones you can use multiple times a week.
J. CREW ROLLNECK SWEATER // MANSUR GAVRIEL CABAS DRAWSTRING // PETER THOMAS ROTH EYE PATCHES // TORY BURCH SNEAKERS // MAYFAIR HALL TABLECLOTH // BLAZE MILANO SHEARLING COAT // CALL IT BY YOUR NAME FIELD JACKET // CHINOISERIE PUMPKIN // LESET POINTELLE PANTS (LOOK FOR LESS HERE) // LESET SWEATSHIRT // LE BON SHOPPE SOCKS
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I like the way these quotes also resonate with what you had to say yesterday about romanticizing or paying attention. I spent a lot of the day pondering why I wanted to push back on the idea that attending to the world around us should be called romanticizing– it seems like in some ways that suggests we are making the beauty around more than it is, or that it involves us making it something for us? (this is messy writing for unclear thinking). But I wonder if we consider it Romanticizing (seeing as a Romantic-era poet like Keats would see, a sign of our deep connection to the world around us and our openness to its communications) I’d like the term more. Anyway. Regardless of what each person chooses to call it, yes to more of it!
Jen, exactly what my harried, over-tired working mom brain needed this morning, thank you!
Jen, this is exactly what I needed to hear today. Too often I’m caught in a tension of my own making, saying yes to everyone, trying to do it all, imagining the future until the present can’t possibly live up. I picked up a coping of Carla Naumburg’s “Parenting in the Present Moment,” which is mindfulness-based, and though I’ve hardly had time to do more than skim, I’ve found myself trying her STAY framework: stop, take a breath, attune, yield. I have to say, I’m great at attuning and terrible at yielding!! Poems and the natural world seem like important medicine at this moment. We get to do this!
Kelly, this comment resonates with me on so many levels – “the tension of my own making” ugh YES. Going to put a library hold on that parenting book you mention!