“What meaning am I making about myself right now?” I find myself asking this when in moments of challenge, disappointment, dismissal. I first heard it in reference to parenting, as a way of understanding a child’s behavior — “what meaning was he making about himself at that time? how might that be shaping his reaction here?” This was in the context of a child psychologist explaining that a patient of hers had been left at school for hours, his mother unreachable. Finally, in tears, the boy got through to the mother on the phone, and she laughed at his distress — leaving a wound that would not close. The psychologist’s point was that the boy had made a profound meaning about himself in that exchange: that his upset was ridiculous, that his feelings were trivial. And that so, too, was he.
I ask this question with my own children, especially when I am re-drawing or underscoring a boundary. How to be gentle enough that they don’t absorb a self-shaming guilt? How to remind them they can try again, that they are drafts of themselves? That we are always in process? All while drawing a firm line? (“You cannot speak to your brother that way!”) I cannot say I always succeed. I have noticed my son is very hard on himself when caught in misstep. He will crumple into himself, say “I’m the worst,” or some variation. I am a tissue paper heart observing this; I see myself at eight, and eighteen, at twenty-eight: impossibly hard on myself as well, carrying faults and responsibilities and guilts that did not solely belong to me, and sometimes did not belong to me at all. This makes discipline challenging, to say the least.
But I use this now and routinely with myself, too, when I am in an uncomfortable situation, when I have done wrong, when I have been hurt. How is this shaping the story I tell myself about myself? Is it true? I think for many years–too many years–I was overly receptive to co-authoring situations. I remember with clarity three life-shaping incidents where people expressed disappointment in me for not living up to their visions of who I was. Now I think about those moments and remind myself to unhook from the feeling of failure that swells up in me. Those moments were more like injuries, car crashes: some ghastly collision of unfair expectations and self-doubt. Why did I come out of them feeling like the perpetrator when I was in fact one of the wounded? (May I be myself?!) But I cannot dwell too long there, lest I draw up a bitter portrait of the other parties. I must leap over to the thought that all judgment is confession and reach for grace. Finally, I must permit myself the small solace of repeating something a good friend once told me: “we can empathize and understand where people are coming from, but it doesn’t absolve them from their wrongdoing.” And it helps! Landing there, in those words, feels like a quiet rounding of a corner.
As always, onward, Magpies —
Sunday Shopping.
I am contemplating flying to Boston to attend my sister’s next romance book club meeting. They really do things up — the pick this month is an Elsie Silver, and they’re going line dancing together! I love a cowboy romance, and was inspired by the invitation to compile a little shopping collection along these lines. This fab horse sweater was just restocked at The Great (has sold through multiple times) and I’m eyeing it for fall. So whimsical and fun. Meanwhile, this denim Zara jacket has the perfect shape. It’s like a hybrid between an overshirt and a jacket and would look adorable layered over a white tank with some statement shorts, or a floral dress! A perfect layer for a concert. Somehow $49?! Available in other washes. Final note: these $18 bandana print pouches would be a cute little gift for your cowboy romance book club gals! Call It By Your Name vibes for less.
(BTW, Riley Green is now selling merch with his face on it, in case you needed to know that. I’m not not considering.)
ZARA JACKET // LARIAT NECKLACE // BANDANA PRINT PANTS // THE GREAT HORSE CARDIGAN // $10 BOXER SHORTS // DOEN TOP (IN WHITE HERE) // CASH BOOK // BANDANA POUCH ($18!) // FREDA SALVADOR FLATS
Unrelated to cowboy fantasies, I have been living in this gorgeous structured knit set from Kilte this week, and it’s currently $200 off! A really elevated approach to athleisure. A seriously tailored travel day look that feels like you’re wearing pajamas! I wore it quite a bit while in serious writing mode this week. I’ve learned over time that I really need comfortable clothes — pants especially — when I’m in a deeply generative headspace. This was perfection. The pearl detail on the zip was the icing on the cake. So charming! The fit is absolutely flush if you’re on the nose in your true size (fit me like a GLOVE), but if you are between sizes, go up.
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