Mini has been an exceptionally easy baby. Everyone comments on how easy-going and happy she is — and it’s true. With the exception of refusing to sleep through the night until nine months of age (and now, back in a weird teething-related sleep regression where she routinely wakes, angrily, at 4 or 5), she has been a complete joy.
That said, I hit a bumpy patch when she turned 11 months old, when she started crawling and pulling up, getting into everything, and expressing frustration and anger when I would tell her “no.” I was suddenly, without warning, exhausted and overwhelmed by the exertion of looking after my very active little girl. I remember one morning where we’d gone through two outfits, multiple crying fits, and innumerable “no, don’t touch thats” while trying to resolve the dishwasher issue on the phone and wrangle a very naughty Tilly, who not only ate an entire blueberry muffin off my desk (liner and all, which was a joy to coax out later on, if you get my drift…) but shredded an important receipt and snapped at a neighbor on the elevator. When I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 9:39, my heart sank into my stomach.
“I can’t do this,” I said aloud, tears pricking my eyes.
I felt like a horrible failure. Why, and how, was I unable to care for one small child, one two-year-old dog, and one seemingly simple household task (install a dishwasher)? My mother had FIVE of us and a house about 34 times the size of ours, and she always kept it together. I felt even worse when I realized I had been wishing it would be 10:30 a.m. so that I could put mini down for her morning nap. The mom guilt was crippling.
I texted my sister Lizzie, mom to two boys, and she said: “I know it’s hard. I’m sorry. Put the baby in her crib, put the dog in her crate, and just take a minute. Breathe.”
I’ll love her forever for this, because she gave me the space to feel bad for myself for a second, but then got practical, tactical — which is what I needed. I needed someone to acknowledge how hard these days can be, and then to tell me how to regain control of the situation.
I did as she said and, to my surprise and delight, mini sat quietly in her crib with a stack of books while Tilly took a snooze, and I sat down at my desk and did nothing but glaze over for about five minutes.
Believe me, I still have moments of frayed exhaustion — but my sister changed the course of things for me. She made me realize that some mornings, Tilly needs to stay in her crate a little longer than usual — and that’s OK. And some mornings, I will literally accomplish nothing but reading a handful of books to mini — and that’s OK. And some mornings, I will feel like a failure — and that’s OK. It’s all part of the mom experience.
As with much in life, more than half the battle is setting realistic expectations. I’ve written about these observations elsewhere, but a couple of tricks/mantras I turn to frequently in my role as a new (errr, not-so-new!) mom:
+Make a list of the things you want to get done on a given day — even the itty bitty things, like “clean kitchen after breakfast,” “wash bottles,” “do laundry,” “order dog food.” These things are microscopic, but they make me realize that I have, actually, been busy doing things and have been successful at completing them. A reader recently wrote to say that, as a stay at home mom, she constantly feels as though she needs to account for her time, in perennial fear of the inquiry: “What do you do all day?” This checklist makes me realize I am actually quite busy keeping our home together all day long.
+Get outside the house. When I’m suffering from cabin fever around 4:15 p.m. (for some reason, the hour prior to her dinner at 5 p.m. seems to stretch on forever some days — especially during this interminable winter, when we’re stuck inside so often), I’ll go grab an afternoon coffee or smoothie, or run an errand at Duane Reade or Whole Foods, or just walk around the neighborhood. It really breaks things up. I also think there’s some sort of magic to taking things into your own hands — “OK, child, out we go!”
+I struggle the most with this, but: I don’t need to pack every day with activities for mini. I try to take mini on an “adventure” one of the two days I’m alone with her each week, i.e., to the children’s museum, to a class, to the library, to lunch with a friend, etc, but I cannot feel guilty if there’s nothing “special” for her on a given day. One of you readers wrote this recently, but sometimes the adventure is a trip to the grocery — and that’s OK.
+Everything is a phase. This was especially true when mini was itty bitty, and her schedule/routine/habits were changing every few days, but I seem to have forgotten this adage when mini turned 11 months old and I was overwhelmed by the changes that seemed to take place overnight — gone was my docile, mild-mannered baby; I now had a very active almost-toddler, with a big personality! As with every other phase, though, it was a matter of adjusting to and accommodating her new preferences and abilities. I now love this age, especially since she’s gotten a lot sturdier and I don’t feel I need to spot her when she pulls herself up. I can let her tumble around in front of me while I check emails or place an online order for groceries, and — best! — I enjoy her company while doing chores! She loves to play with the laundry and especially the laundry basket — she’ll sit with me for the twenty minutes it takes to fold it all, just babbling away, playing peekaboo, placing clothes on her head, putting the socks back in the basket, pulling herself up on the basket, etc. (BTW, this is the best laundry basket ever — does not warp, has handles, is stackable!) She feels like a companion instead of a charge when I’m completing this task. When I’m vacuuming, she likes to chase the vacuum around with me; it’s become a game.
+It’s OK for mini to spend time on her own, in her crib or playard or activity center. Every mom needs some time to GSD or, honestly, NOT GSD — sometimes I need 10 minutes to space out. Being a mom is physically demanding; sometimes I just need to sit, unencumbered, for a few minutes.
+The household/admin aspects of staying at home with a child are part of the job. I used to be baffled by how much damn time I was spending taking care of “admin” things like stocking the pantry, organizing travel, dealing with technicians, scheduling appointments, cleaning the house, making minimagpie’s more involved meals, etc. I remember telling Mr. Magpie that I felt like I “wasted half the day” on them. Now I see them for what they are: completely necessary, meaty components of managing a well-run household — part of the job as a mom, not getting in the way of my job as a mom. These tasks, trivial as they may seem to the outsider, take time, commitment, and organization. I now know that I need at least an hour a day to deal with these things, and I try to arrange them on my to-do lists, which are organized against a calendar. So, for example, on Sunday, I’ll look across the week and mark down which day I’ll do a big grocery order, which day I’ll call to schedule doctor’s appointments, which day I’ll do a deep clean of the foyer, etc, etc, and try to make sure every day has a little something, but no one day is over-saddled with too much.
What are your tips when you’re overwhelmed as a new mom?
Post-Script: New Mini Discoveries.
+Would it be super embarrassing to admit that the inspiration for my hunt for a perfect sweatshirt actually arose from this Instagram post of a toddler? Not just any toddler — the daughter of the very chic and stylish Arielle of Something Navy. I was obsessed with that sweatshirt! I can’t seem to find it in mini’s size anywhere without having to pay unreasonable shipping (for some reason, it costs 40 euros to ship a 57 euro sweatshirt…???), so I’m toying with the idea of buying it here and saving it for a few years. I also really like these simple single-colored ones, but they’re sold out in mini’s size in all colors. (What great colors, though! Love the lilac and the sunshine colors.) I also love this and this, but can’t quite bring myself to drop that much coin on a sweatshirt for a baby.
+The peach print Oeuf has out right now is so beyond. Love.
+Testing out some new sippy cups with mini, and she loves these. In general, I’ve been a big fan of Philips Avent stuff — we’ve used their no fuss bottles since she was born. I’m also contemplating these. Love the colors, but mini’s been so picky about sippy cups / straw cups that I’m loathe to stray from something that works. (*Yes, I know it’s better for her oral development to use a straw cup, but she’s just never drank from them! And I figure — better to have her hydrated now and fully orally developed (?) a little later.) When she’s older, I like the simple designs and colors of these kids cups.
+These jammies (which I recently wrote about — come highly reviewed/recommended as the softest!) are in my cart. I’m not crazy about most of the prints, but I like them in the solid blue and stark white.
+I’m usually all about BIG BOWS ALL THE TIME, but I bought a set of these little ones for clipping her hair back when she’s eating dinner or not in the mood to tolerate her bow (<<an increasing occurrence — doesn’t she know it’s part of her signature look?!)
+One of the cool things about mini’s activity center is that in converts into a kid table — you just take the little tray that hangs down beneath and insert it into the center. We did this for mini’s birthday, actually. I am thinking that I will soon add two kid chairs so that we can feed her lunch there once she becomes a little older, and my initial research has revealed the following contenders: beyond adorable Scandi-inspired bear-shaped ones from Oeuf; these simple ones from PBK; a chic ghost chair (<<!!!); my favorite, but I know I’ll never drop $200 on a kid’s chair; these modern looking ones. But if I’m reeeeeaaaallly going to splurge — how funky-cool is this rabbit chair?!?!?! Almost a piece of art, n’est-ce-pas?
+This was just re-stocked after being sold out in mini’s size. I can’t decide if I think the OTS detail will be too annoying for mini? But it’s SO KEWWWWWT.
+Snagged a box of these a few weeks ago, and they’re perfect for mini as she tries to coordinate the process of feeding herself. (I now routinely bring out two utensils for each mealtime — one for her to “use” and one for me to use when I’m sneaking bites into her mouth.) The shape and length are perfect for her right now, and they’re easy to clean and kind of chic-looking, if you ask me. Plus — 10 utensils, on sale now for $11? Get it!
+I bought mini these zebra jammies for her first birthday, and have been very impressed with the quality. Super soft!
I loved this post–definitely bookmarking for future reference. Although I’m not a new mom yet–though my due date is 10 days away!!!–I’m sure I will go through some of the same struggles, and I’m glad to have something to read to remind me that other new moms are going through the same things, too! xx
Oh my gosh! An early congratulations!!! So excited for you :))) And I hope that this post will come in handy in the future 🙂
GO out when you can! I used to walk for miles with my twins in the double jogger stroller! Best invention for people with twins! And dont try to accomplish too much when home with a baby, maybe one thing a day, seriously. It just leads to frustration otherwise!
Totally agree — get out!!! It’s the key. And I like the idea of having one goal per day. Makes things realistic. xo