This past week, my friend Caroline Lunne wrote a beautiful musing on how fear can be a sign of big things coming — a precursor to “divinity,” in her words. It made me think of a quote about how success is often on the other side of fear — something I’ve found to be true in life. Some adjacent encouragement and reassurance if you’re navigating daunting moments of change or pressure yourself:
If it feels hard, it is hard. While I was on the stationery bike this week, the instructor said: “If it feels hard right now, it should.” Wow — a message I would do well to internalize in realms beyond just fitness. In parenting, in business, in writing, in family life: if it feels hard, it’s because it is hard. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s not harder just for you. It’s because a lot of the worthwhile stuff in life requires elbow grease. I’m thinking of this one time I called my brother in tears about my daughter’s willfulness, and said, “God, what am I doing wrong?” and he said: “Nothing. This is is parenthood, and it’s hard.” I really needed to hear the message again this week. I am navigating a lot of different projects, plans, and inputs right now in my professional and personal life and have been feeling under the water. I’m doing what I love; it’s all good stuff — why do I feel like a drowning rat? It feels hard because it is hard. Related: I keep a post-it note on my desk that reads: “Good writing is hard work. A clear sentence is no accident.” This is true in so many realms. A great presentation is no accident. A pleasant customer experience is no accident. Etc.
Let positivity into the boat. On the spiritual side of Caroline’s post, one thing I think about when I experience fear in a particular situation comes from a parable whose details are honestly a little fuzzy to me, but whose message rings crystal-clear. In the story, Jesus tells a fisherman how and where to fish — but first He asks to be let in the boat. When I am worried about something, I lean on that visual: just let Him in the boat. You aren’t alone here. But you’ve got to open up to let faith aboard. I think this is true of positive thinking as well. Let positivity into the boat; let optimism into the boat.
Right before you level up, there is a moment where everything feels misaligned. One thing I have absolutely found to be true in moments of big transition: right before you make it to the next level of growth, there is always a moment where everything feels chaotic, alien, and out of sync. It’s unnerving. It makes you want to crawl back to comfort. But things have to fall apart in order to give way to the next phase. To give a narrow example: I have been writing a lot about how, in entrepreneurship, you should do everything yourself until you become the bottleneck, and then pass off the task. This is easier said than done. It is excruciating to give up control over something you’ve poured your heart and soul into. You may even be deluded into believing you are the only person capable of completing the task to your own high standards (I am guilty of this). And the process of finding and then training someone to do what you’ve been doing proficiently yourself for as long as you can remember requires a lot of energy, time, and patience. It doesn’t happen overnight; there is a learning curve, and there may always be a gap between your expectations and their delivery. During that baton-passing period, things feel chaotic and warped. You may be thinking, “This is a waste of time and effort; I can do this all more quickly and cheaply myself.” But once you’ve made it through that period of misalignment, you have a new pocket of time to dedicate to higher priority issues, tasks, etc. You’ve leveled up.
And while we’re talking reassurances, a Magpie reader left a comment on this post about the acute agony of setting boundaries in a fraught relationship, and navigating the painful aftermath. She wrote:
“Occasionally when feeling a deep emotion, I’ll search your site to see if you have written about it. Today I searched the word “mistake” and found this balm of an essay. I’ve been deep in a days-long anxiety attack where I am worrying over and over a decision I made to stand up for myself, and drowning in self-retribution and shame. This essay felt like a balm. There are no answers – just the comfort of knowing I’m not alone, at least.”
This is of course one of the top compliments I have ever received. It brings me a sense of profound purpose and comfort to know that there are other women navigating similar straits, and looking for someone else to squeeze their hand, and finding me somehow. Solidarity! In that vein, sharing a couple of posts I’ve written over the years to offer myself comfort in moments of strain in the hopes that they might be easier to find in list form here:
+If you are on the eve of making a big decision that you’re unsure about: You’re gonna love it.
+You’re running thin on patience for something to happen: It’s all part of the process, this natural unfolding of things, in which you are always only on your one correct path. Also, everything happens in its own perfect time.
+If you’ve made a mistake: In life, you will always make more tracks than necessary. (As Anais Nin put it: “In life, you will make mistakes, and those, too, are correct.) Remember that every good life includes mistakes, bad break ups, closed doors, and more unpleasantness; don’t return the groceries with the cart. Finally, give yourself a soft landing.
+If you are frazzled and flustered by the demands of motherhood: You’re where you need to be.
+If you’ve just lost a pet: Grief is a permutation of love; it is nothing to be scared of.
+If you are about to lose a pet: These are the good ol days; let me press them to my heart.
+If you’ve just set boundaries in a tough relationship: Time will help you let out the seams.
+If you are struggling through a tough period of any kind: You will find calmer seas. Everything is a flowing.
+If you feel frustrated by you proficiency in something, or can’t close the gap between your aspirations and your performance: We are in a constant state of rewriting. Keep going; today is not the final version. Sub niche: encouragement for creatives.
+If you feel hemmed in: You can start anything today, and with no one’s permission.
+If someone makes you feel small: No need to “play it cool” — chase what makes you lean forward and the people that matter will stick around, and probably love you for it. Also: at least you tried! And let them be wrong about you!
+If things feel bleak: fortunately, today is not the final draft–and there are lots of little things to celebrate.
+And finally, a sort of catch-all comfort: the words we’d say to our 20 year old selves. Which more or less boil down to: “It’s all going to be OK.”
Last but not least, I wanted to share two posts I came across on Instagram that I found deeply reassuring this week:
“Actually life is beautiful and I do have the time” from @madebyaub
Going to keep this post-it on my planner — a good antidote to the usual “OMG I have so much to do!”
Reassurances for a rainy day from Lyndsay Rush
She just about covered it!
Shopping Break.
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+Earlier this week, I wore my new Veronica Beard denim eyelet blazer (she’s so gorgeous IRL) and got so many compliments on her. Saved to my secret shopping Pinterest board this week: this denim eyelet overshirt, which has a similar ethos, but is $59.
+I absolutely love the head to toe look they styled with the overshirt — these matching jeans. The hem detail is so fun. So chic, and the entire look is $110.
+Several Magpie readers have recommended this $59 set as a great look for less for my go-to Frank and Eileen.
+You need to know about J. Crew’s new arrivals. This cutaway vest is a must. I absolutely love the look of this style of waistcoat/vest. (I have been getting so much wear out of my denim version from VB!)
+Also absolutely love this white skirt from their new arrivals. A more polished/less boho alternative to my Sebastiane skirt, and $128!
+Finally, this bag!!! Adorable.
+Target just released adorable cabbage motif dishes in time for our spring/Easter tables! Love this mug and this plate.
+I just went to Vuori to buy another one of their featherweight Energy tees (truly the best — I always reach for it first when its clean) and suddenly filled my cart with like five other items: these shorts; this feather tee; this oversized hoodie; this sports bra. I want it all!
+Fun date night top on its way to me.
+My dear friend Inslee just launched a collection with Pink Chicken! The sweetest dresses, pajamas, and separates for children adorned with her whimsical art. I adore this dress.
+Constantly looking for ways to add hydration to my skin. Just discovered this rose cleansing oil that intrigued me from a new-to-me beauty brand.
+Gorgeous pink polo sweater.
+Goop just gave us a 15% off code for their house labels in beauty and fashion — SHOOP15. All my Goop beauty favorites here, and from the new fashion collection, I think I need this dress.