Last week, over cocktails at Dante in New York City, I mentioned to Mr. Magpie that I have grown to treasure these quick trips back to Manhattan because they remind me that I have range.
We’ve been talking a lot about that concept since in our evening unwindings. What does it mean to have range?
When I used the word, I meant that I am capable of more than I think. I have sensed a comfortable kind of torpor settling over me as I round out my second year living in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Not intellectually: if anything, the still water here has afforded me unusual fecundity on the writing front. It has felt as though the fish swim close to the surface, and I need cast only a single net for a decent haul. But, otherwise: I see aspects of myself stymie in the cocoon here. I know the people, the streets and back streets, which lights will always be red. It is easy to fall into an unassertive rhythm. Is this necessarily bad? I’m not sure. But when I visit New York, I find myself alert, electric, light on my feet, aware, calculating. It feels sanative to navigate my way up and downtown, over to Brooklyn, dodging detritus, tuning into and out of the menagerie, running up the wet steps.
In New York, I am also, of course, a version of myself without children–a strange and liberating and heart-felling mode. I find myself reflexively casting after their whereabouts and needs, only to remind myself: oh! They are in D.C.; I am here. There is someone else to fill their milk cups and remind them that Thursday is gym day and no, you may not have a second cookie. I am, instead, some doppelganger of myself. Do passersby assume I am a mother? Are there tells? In D.C., motherhood is imprinted on me wherever I go. The school magnet on our car; the outline of car seats in the back row. The yogurt pouches and granola bars on the grocery conveyer belt. The size of my bag, the occasional spill of its telling contents onto a counter: matchbox cars and bandaids and those damned heavy Yeti water bottles. In New York, my motherhood feels invisible. And it lays lightly, too. Though I worry over them, though I miss them, though my heart contracts when my son tells me: “I cried last night because I want you in the house” and reminds me that he dutifully squeezed his palm so that his kiss would reach me all the way in “Yoo York,” I am fleet-footed. I bask in my aloneness. I can sit in a cafe with a book! I can decide to pop into a boutique! I can duck into a wine bar for a five p.m. glass with my girlfriend! And it is all impossibly breezy. I think — let me say this kindly, with love, with no bitterness — I have forgotten some of my own preferences, that I even have preferences? At home, even the smallest desire is sandwiched between the wants of my family and what must get done. For example, I might want a salad for lunch, but Mr. Magpie might want tacos, and so we must negotiate. I might want to zip out to get a manicure, but the children will be home in thirty minutes, and if I do go, I must divine some logistical plan to make it happen — coordinate to have the sitter stay late, etc. I might not be hungry, but it is six, and the children must eat at six in order to allow for enough time before bed. In New York, I am beholden to only my own wishes. It is, temporarily, thrilling. I feel myself extend into my own extremities. What do I want to eat? Am I even hungry? Do I want to lay in the hotel bed watching bad television? Or perhaps write in shallow sprints in a coffee shop? Fries and a glass of champagne at the bar? Room service? I mean, the options are staggering and delightful and about as foreign to me at this stage in my life as, say, waking up in Tahiti.
I feel as though I am rediscovering myself on these trips, as though I am more fully extending myself. I’ve got range.
Post-Scripts.
+Motherhood is a surfeit.
+Birding.
Shopping Break.
+J. Crew brought back the Elsie pump!!! This is my favorite pump of all time. Perfect heel height and I love a pointed toe. I own these in four or five colors. One of my girlfriends claims she prefers it to her Manolo BBs, which have a similar silhouette. The heel shape of the Elsie is slightly different than the styles I have but still love — buy in the black and thank me later!
+Swooning over these D. Porthault-esque towels.
+I polled my Magpies for their favorite body creams. The three that came up many, many times over: Necessaire, Kiehl’s, and Goop.
+These brushes remain a staple in our household. I have multiple and love them to use on my daughter. Great at detangling and a perfect size.
+Many of you have asked for an Amazon storefront over the years — I organized many of my favorite Amazon finds in one place here. You can also now always access it via the {Shop} menu at the top of the my blog’s home page. Happy shopping!
+Found trendy Inuikii boots on sale here!
+Pretty freshwater pearl heart earrings — only $32!
+These trousers are crazy chic. Would add to my what to wear to work roundup!
+Ellifox has a great sale going. These bunny jammies for little loves are on sale for $24. Buy now for Easter!
+Chic rug.
+These rope storage bins are well-priced for a nursery. One for toys, one for stuffies, etc. More great storage gear here ICYMI!
+A great dopp kit. I have one of these in a gender neutral green that Mr. Magpie usually use on work trips — nice, roomy size (long enough for toothbrushes/skincare/etc) and I like that it can sort of squish into any shape of bag.
+This gorgeous chocolate brown puffer!