“From time to time, I go looking for your photograph online // some county judge in Ohio is all I ever find”
-John Mayer
*****
I saw specters from decades past this holiday season: old schoolmates a few grades ahead of me in the pews at the Christmas Vigil; cards from distant family friends on my kitchen counter. I waved hello to children of children I barely know. I found myself tapping out names in the query bar, on a half-curious, half-nosy lark. “What ever happened to…?” we would ask, and we’d sift the Internet for fossils from our teens. Proof of former life — of former lives. Wild, the way the Internet gives us x-ray vision. I can see what a college acquaintance looks like right now, and how many children she has, and how happy she is in rural Tennessee, and how much she loves her front porch with the icicles dripping down onto the wooden floorboards. Spirited on by these lookie-loos, I searched for an old friend-of-a-friend, someone I palled around with one summer in early college, but found no listings for him. In his lieu: multiple recent-year obituaries for his brother. I had not known the brother, but I had known how loved he was by virtue of miscellaneous digital age proxies: how frequently the brother had appeared in my friend’s Facebook feed, back when we’d exchanged comments and messages; how often they had traveled together, back when I kept loose tabs on all of the adventures of my network of friends. I recognized his face, though we’d never crossed physical paths, and now I stared at the grainy picture in his necrologue, and the small blurb about a donation my friend had made in his name.
I clipped Tilly into her lead and walked with the death of that unknown man in this Bethesda morning. I found myself reading my erstwhile friend’s self-erasure from the Internet a probable imprint of his grief — and I felt for a moment cloistered in the narrowness of my own garish comforts. I saw at once the invisible, wide arc of broken hearts that runs like trackwork beneath our search histories, and I wondered what would happen if I reached out to let that old friend know I was sorry for his loss, and then I thought how weird that would be, revealing too-baldly the universal-but-cloaked desire to peer over the fence into the neighbor’s yard.
Instead, I turned Tilly homeward, re-depositing myself in the synchronicity of my own real life, the one without the photographs and the cheeky captions, the one with two children who fight and tear at each other and then kiss and make up, and the breakfast dishes scattered across the kitchen counter, and the velvet dress hanging, unworn, in the closet, and the wet paw prints on the carpet, and I feel —
How to put a word to it?
The opposite, or the tender version of, schadenfreude?
A wistful kind of happiness at all I have, a pensive pleasure in its imperfections?
Post-Scripts.
+”When did you hang the moon?”
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Shopping Break.
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+Madewell is offering 30% off sitewide. I LOVE this denim silhouette and own multiple pairs. Go down one size. Also included: a great pair of Loewe-esque sneakers for, like, $25 (!) and a cozy shearling half-zip.
+Someone wore this Sleeper set to a holiday party I attended a few days ago and LOOKED AMAZING IN IT. At 60% off, it’s in my cart as an NYE option. Would also be perfect for next year’s Kacey Musgraves Christmas show viewing.
+OMG how great is this Bottega-inspired crossbody?!
+How FUN is this portable mini-photo printer?!
+Some fun last-minute NYE gear (buying for my kids): these straws and these headbands.
+It is really hard to buy off-season but Matches’ discounts on summer wear are so insane right now. I’ve wanted a Thierry Colson Venetia dress forever and they’re now 70% off in a gorgeous blue pattern and punchy orange pattern (both of which are fairly sheer and would require a liner / slip) or 50% off in a more opaque strawberry print. Also: $60 Ancient Greek sandals and Loretta Caponi blouses for under $150. As of time of writing, you can get an extra 15% off these items (if total spend is over $250).
+My favorite gifts I received on Christmas? This German candle pyramid (truly SO special) and a new Kindle (bigger screen, better memory, EEEEK!), both from Mr. Magpie.
+The Great makes such FUN outerwear.
+This knitted hoodie for kids is adorable. Also added a few pairs of these pull-on pants to my cart for my son.
+Chic mid layer if you’re hitting the slopes.
+Currently reading this wildly popular fantasy. Two well-read girlfriends listed it as a top three book from 2023!
+Hotel Lobby just marked down its holiday candles! You can absolutely burn these into January!
+Have it on good authority that this is the absolute best food coloring. Buying some for all future baking / craft projects!
+I LOVE gem-hunting on The Real Real. This tartan dress is in my cart for next year!