I was ushering my daughter through her bedtime routine one night last week — nipping at her heels, really —
“Did you brush yet? Can you put your clothes in the laundry bin? Did you pick a book to read?”
After moaning and stomping against my expediting, she interjected: “Why are you rushing me?”
I felt a prickle run down my spine. I stood empty-pocketed. I was reminded of the words I have shared here so many times: “It’s their day, too.” I had been sprinting through her bedtime routine in pursuit of my own quiet. I had forgotten, for a moment, that my job as a parent is not to simply cart my children from Point A to Point B. It is that, but it is much more, too, and I’d neglected “the much more.”
“OK,” I nodded, not so much answering her question as apologizing. I sat in her armchair as she walked through the remaining pre-sleep rituals, saying nothing about the speed or order in which they unfurled, and then I laid in her bed next to her and listened to her read two chapters of her book aloud. When I had rubbed her back and sung her song and closed her door behind me, I stood just outside for a minute to collect myself. It was quiet in the house for the first time all day, and yet her voice crowded my mind: “Why are you rushing me?”
Two days later, I took her on a mommy-and-me date, part apologia. She’d requested ice cream and a manicure. The entire trip, I fastidiously avoided any accelerations. I let her read every single ice cream placard, sample two flavors, sit on the bench and eat every last drip of her cone. At the salon, she agonized over polish colors. I said nothing. I was relieved when the manicurist popped by a second time to ask whether she’d picked something, expediting her in her own way. I watched the varnish dry on her nails for eight minutes. She wiggled and asked “How many minutes are left?” every thirty seconds. “What, you wanna get out of here? You tired of hanging with old mom?” I asked her in a joking voice after the sixth or seventh time check request. She craned her neck, smiling, her eyes shaped liked crescents: “I would never say that!”
On the way home, there was laughter, and there were lulls. We listened to the Trolls soundtrack for the umpteenth time, and she lowered and raised her window herself, and I caught her admiring her iridescent blue nails in the rear view mirror. Finally, I said: “I love spending time with you,” and she said: “Me. Too. Ma-moo.” Staccato, half-silly.
I have no rich insights today: just the threadbare, up-close experience of motherhood, the way I make mistakes and try to change; the admission that even when I am doing what I trust is right, things can still feel hard (and sometimes, almost unbearably slow); the practice of listening to my daughter and having to decide, minute-to-minute, how much or how little to honor her requests.
There is something in our mother-daughter dance these last few days that feels shapeless and at the same time statuesque. I have so much to learn: I was re-made that night she chastised me, and re-made again on our date. I am fluid, I am change. So is she. And yet we are as old and unanswerable as time: Demeter chasing Persephone, or Ruth remaining with Naomi.* I see us reduced to forms: arcs reaching for one another, two complementary colors cleaving.
Post-Scripts.
+Over the weekend, my friends at Half Past Seven published an essay I wrote on entertaining with young children at home that touches on similar themes.
+Motherhood sometimes feels like long division.
+On sending my son off to school. Wow. I still feel these emotions when I think back on his first day. We are rapidly approaching the end of the year, and he will be “graduating” to join his sister at her school. I am overwhelmed with emotions about this transition, too.
Shopping Break.
+A chic black ribbed dress for everyday. Love the idea of pairing this with some trendy dad sandals, like these (jute!!!) Diors. (Get the look for less with these.)
+Just ordered this sport dress for summer — currently 30% off! More colors available with less of a discount (20% off) here. One of my resolutions this summer is to get outside more often. I want to get to the driving range, go for runs, and go for long walks and hikes. I figure this sport dress will be a practical thing to wear on mornings I want to go for a long walk / hit some balls / etc. I also love these ones from Alala and have been hearing good things about these new ones from Lulu, but I prefer the neckline/thin straps of the Madewell one.
+Speaking of fitness, I just ordered these running shorts to try.
+Mansur Gavriel’s new woven bucket bags are SO beyond chic. Bottega-esque, but its own vibe. I love it in the classic brown leather but also would be fun in the strawberry, and chic in the neutral latte…
+Another great Zara sandal.
+This tunic shirtdress is SO my at-home style.
+These Vespa-esque ride-on toys for littles are so cute.
+Just bought a few rolls of this classic striped gift wrap. Love that it can work for almost any occasion, gender, age, etc. In the same Target order, picked up a few of these scalloped melamine serving bowls.
+LOVE the pockets and length and lilac color of this VB jacket!
+Adirondack chairs! Tis the season. White is a classic but kind of like the gray and black options too!
+These custom embroidered birth announcements are so sweet. A lovely gift.
+Adore this white eyelet top.
+Love this boho maxi.