I came across a great post over on Evil Witches about becoming a grandparent for the first time, and what to do — and not do — as you witness your children enter matrescence (or patrescence). I was touched by the examples readers gave of the wonderful things their parents did for them. I especially loved these two:
“I think it’s really important for grandparents to recognize that the mom/birthing parent has just gone through a huge physical ordeal. I appreciated that my mom immediately checked on me and not the baby.”
“I find it helpful when the grandparents affirm that something is just hard. My dad once told me, quietly, during a visit when our 11-month-old was going through some kind of sleep regression/refusal/shit: ‘This is a hard time.’ And then he shut up. And it was lovely.”
My mom lived out the first example in many ways after my children were born. She did such a good job of checking in on me, on making sure I was taking care of myself, that it’s forever changed how I respond when friends deliver babies. “The baby’s perfect,” I’ll write, “And how are you? How was the first night? How are you feeling?” There is a general neglect of post-partum maternal care in our culture, but not from my mom: she stood firmly in another camp. When I was in the recovery room after my second c-section, she practically sprinted into the room when they permitted her to come back, all abuzz with excitement, wiggling her fingers in anticipation of holding her grandson, and I watched as she paused and course-corrected, wheeling back around to my bedside: “But first: how’s my baby doing?” She also sat with me and patted my hand and smoothed my bedsheets when I was sniffling through post-partum weepiness whose source I could not parse, and — this I really remember — was blessedly pragmatic, almost phlegmatic, about some of the unpleasant physical aftermath after the c-section, much of which now feel almost too grisly to write out in public, but it involved, among other things, her helping me into underwear when I couldn’t bend over, buying me digestive aids, and telling me, firmly, that I should sit down and take a deep breath before taking the shower in which I’d need to remove the medical tape they’d laid over my sutures.
I’m curious today to hear your examples. What were the most helpful things your parents or in-laws did for you after your baby was born?
(I’m taking notes, too, as an aunt/friend – it’s insane how quickly you forget the newborn days, and what felt good and not. By force of this exercise, for example, I’m now vaguely remembering that I didn’t always find it helpful to have someone holding the baby, but I massively appreciated folks entertaining my toddler when they’d come by. The two things that I found the most thoughtful/helpful from sisters and friends: 1) One of my girlfriends stopped by with an enormous grocery bag of fancy deli meat, a loaf of artisanal bread, various spreads and tapenades, fresh fruit, and snacky things. This enabled us to make quick standing meals, which felt like the only kinds of meals we could have right after we brought our babies home. I’d make a little sandwich, or grab a handful of nuts and fruit, and it was heaven. This has been my go-to “gift” for new parents since. Perfect for midnight dinners and 4 a.m. breakfasts. 2) One of my sisters would come by and just do shit (excuse language, but this is what we’d call it — JDS) without being asked. Not “where should this go?” and “what laundry setting should I use?” She’d just arrive and wordlessly wash the dishes, put away the toys, take out the trash. If something was not put away in its designated spot, who cared?! It was clean and out of the way. This mattered so much to me in New York, where we were short on space and I could feel my stress level escalating as the day would go on and more toys, soiled baby linens, and dishes would pile up all over the place. JDS.
My sister is preparing to deliver her second and I’m hopeful I can find some specific and meaningful ways to be helpful to her since I live four hours away — I wonder if there’s anything I can do remotely. Any ideas?
Post-Scripts.
+On the early days of new motherhood.
+On going from 0-1 vs 1-2 children.
+3 a.m. parties. (Not what you think they are.)
+To the new mom feeding her baby at 3:11 a.m.
Shopping Break.
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+These woven flats sell out every season. Only a few left! They are THE most comfortable shoe straight out of the box. I have a pair I’ve worn heavily the past two years.
+This little knit dress is reminiscent of Chanel, but $39.
+Drooling over the cache of discounted Emilia Wickstead that just arrived at The Outnet.
+A really flattering pair of pants. These are “utility-lite” if you want something a bit more refined. I own these in white.
+I saw a really cute idea on Instagram that I’m recreating for my son: use 3M hanging tape to attach a Lego plate to the interior of a 3 ring binder, then decant some Legos into one of these 3 ring pouches and clip it inside. A little Lego travel set!
+A seriously fab pareo.
+This boxy jacket from Still Here is having a moment – it’s already sold out in the unusual white/red combo, but the all denim sitch is on point, too. Reminds me of Toteme.
+This $49 mesh bucket bag is wildly chic and unexpected.
+Lots of fun party dresses on offer at Farm Rio. This one caught my attention!
+This water-spraying toy is an eye sore but my kids will flip out over it.
+Lesportsac is enjoying a little renaissance right now! They’ve done a few cool collabs, including one with Libertine, but I am really loving the vibe of these throwback “spectator” totes.
+UBeauty is offering 20% off sitewide. You know I love these lip plasmas, and I used their tinted super-hydrator down to the last pump/drop! I really liked that product — more coverage than some of the other tinted moisturizers I’ve used — but right now I’m debating whether or not to test Trish McEvoy’s, which I’ve also heard great things about. One of my girlfriends (who has THE BEST skin) swears by Trish!
+Love all Ancient Greek sandals, but these platform-y ones caught my eye.
+Looking for an over-the-mirror lighting solution for our powder bath. Two that caught my eye: this and this. Our decorator has been proposing more of a bar light, but I’m not loving the options out there…still hunting! Speaking of lighting, I keep coming back to the whimsical fixtures from Stray Dog. So fun and unexpected for a nursery, studio, play room, etc!