Every few weeks, I receive an email or message from a Magpie who has just lost, or is preparing to lose, her pet, most recently this past week (thinking of you, Sean). I know this acute pain too well. I shared thoughts on navigating “the forethought of grief” in an essay I wrote before our Airedale terrier Tilly passed away here, but I also want to reassure you, if you are also enduring this specific loss, that life continues, in ways both painful and reassuring. One day, you will find yourself laughing at funny memories of her — her strange sounds and preferences, the time she ate an entire loaf of bread off the counter, the way she slept sprawled out on the couch. This sounds impossible now, but it’s true. I wrote narrowly about this phenomenon months ago in the context of a longer diary post, but wanted to pluck out a few pertinent paragraphs and republish those sentiments here, below the asterism.
Mainly, though, my message is to go easy on yourself during this time. I remember reaching for my preferred personal torment — guilt — by regretting all the cold mornings I’d sprinted begrudgingly through our icy walks, or all the months with a newborn during which she came last, but those sentiments are neither productive nor representative. We gave Tilly a great life, and you gave your pup a great life, and the simple truth is that you belonged to another for a span of beautiful years that now shine like Sunday morning in the rear view mirror. But let yourself feel it all — everything, even the guilt, is just a permutation of love. I felt in the days just before and after Tilly died like the softest person on earth — porous, tender to the point of dissolvable. And you, too, will make your way through it. Nowadays, I love when my in-laws and children reminisce about her; it makes me feel happy to have her name remembered. I think sometimes we are scared to talk about the deceased because we fear it might be painful. But I’ve found it’s the only true tonic, the only way I’ve grown around my grief. It’s the reason I still write about Elizabeth. And it’s the reason we keep Tilly’s collar and tags on our bedroom dresser, and I wear a ring with her initial. Onward friends — go easy.
***
Below, I’ve excerpted a few paragraphs from a diary earlier this year.
A week of transition: my parents moved out of their home in N.W. D.C. into a beautiful townhouse four minutes from us in Bethesda; my sister visited for likely the last time before her baby girl is born in a few months; and we continue to adjust to life without Tilly, a grief whose size I had not anticipated. “Meanwhile, the world goes on.” You know? Such a cruel and auspicious fact of life. You could be crying into your shirtsleeves realizing you’ll never hear Tilly harangue the garbage men again, and yet there they are, collecting the trash week after week: life continues.
As a part of their downsizing, my parents gave us the sectional sofa from their family room as it would not fit in their new home, and we installed it in the basement. The children were ecstatic: so much space to sprawl! They each have their own “wing.” “And,” said mini, “it was Mimi and Grandpa’s.” Its provenance added to the appeal: a sofa with a backstory. The sectional suits the space better, and enabled us to shed the shabby, decade-old, threadbare Jayson Home couch that had previously lived there and was at one time the most expensive thing we’d ever bought for ourselves, and therefore a point of serious pride as new homeowners in Chicago, IL. We brought that sofa to New York, and Tilly more or less lived on it there (I can still see her face propped up on the arm), as did we, during the many long months of pandemic life. We then brought it to Bethesda and demoted it to the basement, where the children often performed scary gymnastics from its arms and tuned into afternoons of Disney in its embrace.
This week, I arranged for a special “bulk pick-up” of the sofa with Montgomery County and watched as two men effortlessly tossed it into the trash compactor, which summarily ate it, leaving nothing behind. I was struck by the specific, searching ways in which the heart works as I stood there in my robe by the front door. The way that sofa carried so much — new homeowner pride; pandemic angst; a growing family in postures of recline and recklessness; the memories of our dog — and here it was, being unceremoniously flung into wasteland.
It made me think about the way things filter through our lives — what we gain and lose. The inheritance of the sofa, the loss of the dog. The things we assign value to, the things we tell ourselves not to be sentimental about. There I was, experiencing a powerful wave of Sensucht as I watched the sofa disappear, and I thought: it’s just a thing, Jen. It’s not Tilly; it’s not my New York life. But sometimes these objects are such convenient places to collect and pin the memories.
Still, life continues.
Post-Scripts.
+Looking for asterisms in life.
+Foliage covers stone: a reflection on losing a friendship.
Shopping Break.
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+Got these for my daughter’s dresser this holiday season. I know she’ll love incorporating them into her little world of LOL Surprise dolls, Barbies, Maileg mice, etc.
+Did you decide what you’ll be wearing to Thanksgiving? I’ve decided on this burgundy lace Doen. In a dream world, I’d finish with a velvet platform Prada heel, but will in all reality probably be barefoot by dinner (we’re hosting).
+Speaking of burgundy velvet, how spectacular is this blazer from VB!? With a wide leg trouser like this or this?! Get the blazer look for less here.
+I just received this blanket stitch wrap coat from Boden (I got the navy, but the green is fun!) and I’m in love with her. Toteme vibe but less expensive, and with its own twist. They also have a fun cropped variation. More Toteme outerwear vibes in this post.
+Tuckernuck just released their iconic Jackie dress in a great metallic tweed.
+Cute activity books for kids.
+My slim cuffed Varley sweatpants arrived and I’m shook. THE most flattering athleisure pant on the market, and polished, too. I love that they offer the shorter (petite) inseam so my pants are dragging or ballooning. I’m 5’0 and the shorter length is literally ideal. I’m loving this brand’s outerwear options for more casual wear, like this red puffer jacket, and this red fleece. So cheerful.
+I’m going to see Sturgill Simpson perform live in a few weeks (!!!) and am so excited to break in my new Tecovas boots, which the brand sent me. I got them in a surprising black color because I already have those Isabel Marant Duerto boots in a taupe/brown/gray. I plan to wear the boots with a floaty fall dress — maybe this?
+Speaking of concerts, by the time I publish this, I will have seen Kacey Musgraves live in Baltimore! I love Kacey. I plan to wear head to toe Alix of Bohemia — this wild and fabulous coat, and this dress. Very Kacey coded.
+If you’ve been wanting to try Dr. Diamond’s plasma without the full investment, they now offer a discovery set. I personally think the plasma is the most powerful part of the duo — I went through two bottles of it and then felt guilty about the expense so am trying to work through my other serums and tinctures before re-upping. It really shrinks your pores.
+Rixo has some seriously chic holiday dresses, like this elegant sequinned midi.