A few weeks ago, I came across a post on Cup of Jo sharing a parenting hack designed to help her boys stop bickering. In it, Joanna shares that she started doling out “nice points” to deter her kids from fighting and incentivize them to find ways to be kind to one another. Once they reached a certain threshold of points, she treated them to something they wanted — a family game of baseball at a local field. I read this with glancing interest. Her children are older than mine, and so I squirreled it away for future reference. I like to collect and reflect on the parenting wisdom of more tenured mothers so that when the time comes, I can explore their usefulness with my own children. I did not anticipate its immediate application. Because one afternoon in the middle of July, I had absolutely reached my limit with my children’s pushiness and strident tones toward one another. It felt as though we couldn’t get through ten minutes without petty squabbling. “Stop touching my napkins,” followed by “Mama, Hill’s looking at me.” Good Lord! Their footling friction was driving us insane. We ran through the circuit of responses each and every day: careful modeling of how to work through disagreements; proposing alternative solutions; “work it out yourselves”; forced separation. Nothing seemed to be working. Then, at the pool one afternoon, my daughter offered to get an ice pop for herself and her brother, and she picked cherry for him, knowing red was his favorite color. I beamed at her, and praised her for her thoughtfulness. But we’ve found it a very effective way to encourage them to think about how to be helpful, and kind. Sometimes they’ll clear all the plates on the table for one another, or let the other one go first at something they both want to do, and they’ll call out: “kindness points!” on their own.
I’m perhaps a bit leery of attaching a reward (even something of no trade-in value) to the very basics of courtesy, grace, and thoughtfulness. But in a different sense, it lets them know how much we value kindness in our home: it has its own prized and separate currency.
I don’t know how long we’ll keep this up (we did something similar with actual coins when they were a bit younger to reward them when they’d say “please” and “thank you” — they’d deposit a penny into a shared piggy bank each time they’d do it and eventually we were able to sunset this), but in this midsummer peak of sibling discord, it has been a welcome tool. I can’t say it’s necessarily attenuated the volume of bickering, but it’s been a strong counterbalance, and a good reminder, too, as a parent. Because sometimes I get to the end of the day and I think, “Today was just one long melee after another with those two,” and I can interrupt myself with: “But there were many kindness points, too.”
How do you handle bickering among your children? Have any strategies worked well, or backfired?
Post-Scripts.
+On maintaining wonder as a parent.
+Matryoshka — a moment in which my daughter returned to me in all her beautiful ages.
+Long days of parenting. (If you’re here today, I feel you so hard. I was there all last week. Just remember that today is not the final draft in your motherhood.)
Shopping Break.
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+I have gotten so, so much use out of this white eyelet maxi skirt this summer. I love it paired with a white tank, with a blouse tucked in, with a striped tee — just timeless, and I always feel so elegant in it. It’s currently 50% off. I think it was this skirt that transformed me into a “separates gal” for most of this summer — historically, I’ve worn so many dresses but I’ve really enjoyed skirts/shorts this season.
+Speaking of white eyelet, obsessed with this $140 dress. Would be so good for a summer concert. (Another concert outfit idea here.) More chic eyelet picks here!
+Hotel Lobby just restocked my favorite candle – tomatoes, fresh air, sunshine! I’ve been burning all summer. It sold out earlier this year!
+I’m telling you, this is the best mascara ever. And I’ve tried so many brands — including ones 3-4x its price. The best. All of my favorite $20-or-less beauty products here. (But if you’re looking for a clean mascara, this one is excellent; and if you’re looking for a lash-growth mascara, you’ve got to try this one.)
+Random, but buying a few extra pairs of scissors is such a small way to introduce more grace into your life. Why was I always sprinting around for one pair of scissors? Now I have them in lots of places — and exactly where I need them. In my gift wrapping bin, at my desk, in our junk drawer, etc. Treat yourself. Small life improvement. I did the same with box cutters. I now have them scattered throughout the house. I like these ones with the ceramic blade because my kids are around and it’s not as terrifying/sharp as a metal blade.
+Another minor but serious life upgrade: buying lots of inexpensive white towels to use to wash my face. I go through one a day and just toss it in a little wire bin to clean every few days. There is nothing more luxurious than a big stack of fresh towels that you don’t need to worry about ruining with makeup! I specifically like these ones – perfect shape and thickness. I know the picture on the site is weird but trust me.
+OO loving Beyond Yoga’s new colors — I love their sports bras, leggings, and tanks. The coral and mint colors together are so good.
+J. Crew Factory has some solid, classic finds for little boys at reasonable prices, especially during this BTS buying season: these boat shoes; striped henleys; classic crewnecks. I also love these dock shorts, with their slightly shorter inseam (hit above knee). I bought a bunch in navy for his uniform.
+When you travel, what are your favorite makeup removing wipes? Are they all about equal?! I’ve historically used Neutrogena or Billie, but just picked up some of these Honest ones.
+I mentioned over the weekend that rugby shirts are trending for fall for women, but also came across these good looking options from Gant for men! (Also available in stripes.) I bought Mr. Magpie one of the slimmer fit rugby shirts from Kule two years ago and he loves it — looks so handsome on him with jeans! I might get the boxier Gant one for him for this season. Love the navy!
+I discovered Gant via Alice Pilate, who was wearing this chic sweater/jacket on a travel day!
+This dramatic, ruffled trench is SO good. I’ve been noticing that some of the trend-predicting fashion Substackers have been saying draping and romantic shapes will be coming back in (a lot of them referenced Chloe’s most recent show) and this feels like it’s a solid portent.
+A Magpie asked for a great statement belt for fall last week: found another great option. (20% off with JENS).
+The Row jelly sandals look for less. I also love these ones from Ancient Greek – super comfortable and get so many compliments. AND! LR just restocked their popular glitter jellies, too. Have sold out 2 or 3 times this summer!