Last Friday, I posted an Instagram story about Mr. Magpie and I peeling off for some time at the adult pool, just the two of us. He has Summer Fridays (a blessed vestige of the NYC commuter lifestyle of yore), and we decided to make the most of his free late afternoon. We met up with a few friends, enjoyed a cocktail and a quiet dinner, and were home by 8:30 and in bed a little after. This invited an unexpected, staccato sequence of conversations with Magpie readers, most of which fell into two categories (paraphrasing): “But tell me more – how do you handle this, logistically?!” and “I’m inspired by this but can’t get over the Mom guilt of leaving my kids with someone else during the witching hour.”
Logistics are easy: we had our neighborhood sitter come by from 4-8-ish and scheduled to have a pizza delivered around 6. But I was knocked sideways by the “Mom guilt” comment. I manage to find guilt in everything and yet its familiar shape hadn’t crept through the lintels of my Friday afternoon-to-early-evening date arrangement. How could that be?
Do you feel guilty leaving your children at bedtime?
I’ve reflected on this intensively for the past week.
Maybe because I’ve worked from home for my children’s entire lives, and am available to them for most of the day, I don’t consider the bedtime hour any different from any other hour of the day? It’s just another time of day to be a mother? And there will be hundreds of other bedtimes, alongside mornings, noons, and midnights, to be called upon? I’m imagining a different scenario: I am working outside the home, and the hours between 6 and 8 p.m. at night are my primary time to connect with my children. Then, yes, I think the equation would feel different?
And yet those mothers, too, need breaks from bedtime. And it doesn’t seem fair to feel guilty about missing a handful of them a year.
Another hypothesis: maybe bedtimes aren’t as fraught for me as they are for other mothers? I mean, let me be clear: it feels like the final, occasionally impossible, hurdle to clear, and there are nights where I am zapped of all energy and sentiment, and I more or less throw them into their beds, speed-read through a chapter of a book, and turn off the lights. But I think because Mr. Magpie and I follow a two-nights-on-two-nights-off pattern, where I handle bedtime two nights in a row, and he handles them for the subsequent two, they feel more manageable? And maybe the fact that he and I have our own ways of approaching bedtime (still following the same general arc) means that our kids accommodate modest changes in routine at this hour, which makes it easier for me to invite a sitter in and trust that all will be well? Or maybe I’m less connected in some way to the bedtime routine because I only do it half the week (Mr. Magpie handling the other half), and perhaps other mothers find it more deeply woven into the fabric of their motherhood experience? And in turn there is anxiety about missing one? Especially if she is the only one who handles it, night in and night out? I can easily imagine stress there.
I can’t speak for any other mamas, but those are some possibilities?
Digging deeper, here are some reassuring thoughts that crossed my mind as I puzzled at my complete lack of guilt over the Friday afternoon date:
01. It is probably healthful to have my kids be put down by other people? There will be (and have been) situations and occasions where this will need to happen. Good practice. I do worry any time one of my children insists “only mama can do x.” An alarm goes off in my head and I immediately get to work finding ways to help them learn to do the task independently, or accept another person’s scaffolding. It is beautiful to be needed (and wanted, and called for), but the anticipator in me is conjuring all kinds of incidents in which I won’t be present and they will melt down?
02. I like the idea of modeling a devoted marriage for them. Of course I’m enjoying the date itself, but I don’t mind the tertiary benefit of them seeing us prioritize our relationship and lean into time alone, together. My parents were up front about this when I was growing up, too — I can recall weeping as my mother left for various trips abroad, and her saying: “Jennifer, this is time for your Dad and I, and it’s important.” Just last weekend, my daughter overheard my mother and I talking about our planned trip to Italy this fall, and she interjected: “But why can’t I come?” My mother reflexively responded with the same talking points she used when I was a child, as if she were talking to a seven year old me. “Your mom needs time with her best friend!”
03. As mentioned above, bedtimes are the final hurdle of the day as a parent. I hope you won’t judge me for saying that sometimes I am relieved to miss it. It’s nice to have that break, to give myself a little hall pass.
04. My kids are easier on sitters than they are on me, even when they are over-tired (!). And the sitters get to tap out at 8, even if the kids are still awake. I baby-sat and nannied for years (entire summers of my life) and can’t recall a single situation in which I thought, “well this mother really left me in the lurch here.” Sitters are meant to be indulgent. I recall reading books and telling stories by flashlight well past bedtime to calm my charges — and it always felt fun and empowering to me, and special for the children. I soothe myself with those thoughts if I’m worried one of my children is missing me, or having a hard time going to sleep, or out of sorts. It’s temporary, and they’re probably being spoiled!
05. The night after our date night, my son woke me up four times between the hours of 12-4 a.m. These can be difficult interruptions — I am exhausted, and sometimes short on patience; I just want to get him resituated as quickly as possible so I can get back to sleep. On this night, carried forward by some unknown motherhood grace, I was able to accept the wake-ups and present my calmest self to him. I had observed that he’d been out of sorts the previous week owing to a new camp (new rules, new faces, new places!) and surmised that perhaps these sleep disruptions were part of the adjustment — and was in turn able to accept them with an internal quiet that, trust me, I cannot always muster at 3 a.m. I found myself thinking about what it meant to be the first person he cries out for when he wakes and is upset. Like, what an absurd honor to be someone’s safe space? I bring this up here because it occurred to me that it didn’t matter that I’d missed bedtime the night before. I was still his safe place, and I still have hundreds of (daily!) opportunities to reassure, comfort, support him. Perhaps having had the break gave me a new lease on that mentality?
What do you think? So curious to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you have guilt leaving your kids for bedtime? Why or why not? How have you talked yourself into or out of guilt with this arrangement?
Post-Scripts.
+Today is not the final draft of motherhood.
+On maintaining wonder as a parent.
+Long days of parenting…oof.
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+I have been stalking these Loro Piana bags (crazy expensive, even on resale) and love the look / shape. I found this insanely cute bag in a similar shape for under $100 and it’s currently in my cart as a way to scratch the itch.
+OK, results are in. I really like this “dream coat” thermal blow out spray (rec’d by Julia Amory). Gives you a really smooth, polished blow-out. Great for a 90s style smooth-and-straight look.
+A really good buy for under $150.
+Just starting using these resurfacing pads this week — impressed. Similar to the YSE ones I raved about earlier this week (and just ran out of). There is something so delightful about this kind of product after a good cleanse — it feels like you’re really getting every last speck of anything off your face and starting with a fresh canvas. I love to use these at the end of a long, hot, sweaty day.
+Old Navy is bringing it with their pre-fall assortment. Love this denim skirt, and so many of you bought this denim dress (which feels very Veronica Beard to me). Wear now with leather sandals and later with tall boots.
+Speaking of pre-fall, these mules from Madewell are a great buy. LOVE the suede. While we’re talking Madewell, check out this denim vest! Not exactly like the VB we all know and love but her dressed-down little sister. Would look so cute with white/off-white jeans like these.
+This vest from WHBM is much more similar to the VB one — love! — as is this Talbots steal, which looks super similar to mine.
+Just got my daughter a few new activity books for rainy days and upcoming travel — how cute is this one? She’s going to love it. Also eyeing one of these illustrated Bibles for her as a back to school gift.
+Some really good finds in the Net-A-Porter sale section. Love this Cara Cara (right under $200 – great for wedding, cocktail party, etc!), these trendy Isabel Marant sandals, and this kiwi green evening dress (would look incredible with big jewel earrings and a fuchsia satin heel). I know it’s hard to buy boots right now, but it would be a great time to snag these chic Staud suede ones or invest in Toteme’s while 40% off…! Finally, their Doen sale section is amazing – on par with Doen’s recent warehouse sale. Consider this top or this $64 one (!!!) to pair with white shorts now and jeans in fall, and this under-$100 dress to pair with strappy black sandals for date night. I organized all my picks into one visual shopping shelf here.
+Did you know Marni carries “kids bags” (also in blue) that look close to identical to the adult versions? Would be curious to do a comparison on size, but the price is so much better here…!
+Hill’s pajamas above are Lake and one of the, like, three items not included in their ongoing sale. My toxic trait is honing in on any item “excluded from promotion.” Other cute prints are included!
+This chic silky dress (under $160) reminds me of La Ligne’s Lee dress.
+For all my mamas with little babies: this Doona set in the limited edition stripe is so good!