I have been aware, this past year, that my medical anxiety has been spiking — any time the children are unwell, or a loved one or I encounter even a mild health issue, I tie myself into a knot of worry. I am prone to catastrophic thinking, but it always seems to cluster around matters pertaining to the well-being of myself and my family members. This seems to have developed (or, perhaps, escalated) after my friend Elizabeth passed away in her 20s, and the connection between the two is self-evident. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that perhaps the discourse around and protocols relating to COVID have intensified these patterns of thought. Nowadays, it feels as though you must disclose even the slightest ailment, and that even if you do not end up having the virus, you set off a chain reaction of cancellations, testings, alerts, text threads, Plan Bs. I am not saying anything about the validity of these new protocols, but I am aware that they are digging into and exaggerating grooves of anxiety into which I already burrowed. Having a cold is no longer having a cold. It’s a — could it be? who do I alert? who needs to test? what will happen if I’m positive? — domino effect. The amplification of what might be “just a cold” mandated by the current COVID context feels eerily similar to trains of thought that come barreling through my mind no matter the circumstance.
I am sharing this perhaps niche insight because it was helpful — relieving? — to forge that connection. It helped me get a grip on why I have been so worried about every last symptom that has come through our household this year. It has given me a new perch: “OK, you’re worried. But you are probably disproportionately worried because of the current context.” I immediately feel a bit of a release, as if the room has grown ever so slightly bigger. Then I turn to my tried-and-true strategies, which usually involve discussing my worries and observations with Mr. Magpie, who has an impossibly even keel, and who helps me lay out a practical, tactical plan that hinges on making the child as comfortable as possible and then waiting 24 hours to see if things are improving or not. I must say that a good measure of ailments in our home go away or improve in 24 hours — an accounting that itself provides relief.
More recently, I have found that one thing that can really help me if I am up late fretting along these lines is a very simple, almost unremarkable line from the Bible. I recently learned that it is one of the most-commonly repeated phrases in the Bible, appearing 365 distinct times:
“Be not afraid.”
Its simplicity brings to mind the quote I repeated to myself during my son’s c-section: “Focus on me / not on the storm.” Any time I am able to actually maneuver myself into a receptive headspace (sometimes difficult in the middle of the night, in peak worry zone), and I repeat the words “Be not afraid / I go before you always,” I feel as though the knot in my stomach disappears. I imagine myself as a steward of what is meant to be versus someone out there on her own, either overestimating or underestimating a symptom. I am able to edge out from underneath the weight.
What helps you when you are worrying? Has anyone else experienced a similar escalation perhaps influenced by the discourse around COVID?
Post-Scripts.
+In case you’re a new mom and feeling isolated.
+Do you have main character energy?
+What do you eat when your fridge is bare?
Shopping Break.
+Outnet has a great trove of discounted Rhode dresses, including this darling toile, this emerald midi, and this flounced mini (perfect for Feb 14th!)
+A pretty way to keep your desktop organized in the new year. Corral papers!
+This adorable jacket is in my cart. The fit! The buttons! The sleeves! I NEED IT YES I DO.
+I just ordered these toothbrush holders for our bathroom (one for my sink, one for Mr. Magpie’s) and now I want to go back and order the entire collection.
+My sister has been raving about the beauty products from Caudalie. I have tried and loved a bunch of their items, but I am now eyeing their vinoperfect, which I know many of you love already.
+On a related note: European pharmacy favorites.
+Just ordered a few of these wire bins for various reasons. The first and most urgent is that we keep a lot of citrus in our home for cooking and cocktails and it goes moldy if you keep it in a bowl — so I bought these wire baskets to pre-empt the problem!
+These fleece-lined tights have been a god-send for my uniform-wearing daughter! They are really thick and warm, and do not snag as easily as other brands we’ve tried.
+Love this quilted jacket from H&M!
+Hear good things about these leggings. I do own and love a few of the matching cropped tanks.
+Pretty cardigan.
+Mille is offering 30% off sitewide (excludes new arrivals) — I own this dress in a different pattern and j’adore.
+Carolyn Bessette energy.
+I always get a lot of questions about my phone case, which I found years ago on an Etsy shop that no longer exists — BUT I recently found one that looks VERY similar here.