Earlier this week, I read portions of Anne Helen Petersen’s interview with Kate Mangino on the latter’s recently-published book, Equal Partners, in which she explores the persistence of gendered norms in the household. The part of the interview that absolutely jumped off the page for me was about “noticers,” a term I’d never before encountered. Mangino describes the noticer as follows: “Part of noticing is cognitive labor… noticing when the dishwasher is clean, noticing when you need to order more diapers, noticing when you’re out of milk, noticing that the shoes are all over the hall…But I also think the Noticer does more, and we don’t talk about this extra stuff enough. So permit me to dive in here. The Noticer is often the person in the house who does all the nice little things: putting family photos around the home; buying pumpkins for decoration in October; organizing social events with friends and family. These individual acts might not make or break a household, but collectively, they are essential to making a home friendlier, more inviting, and more comfortable.” Mangino goes on to explain: “Historically, Noticing is a female-coded task (because girls are raised to value and support social bonds) and the Noticer feels that they must do this noticing work; it is not a choice or an option. It is in our job description. It is required to make us a good parent, a good spouse, a good family member.”
The gender politics here are complicated for me because Mr. Magpie is also a noticer. Beyond that, he understands that I thrive on “words of affirmation,” and so I feel my contributions are more than adequately recognized. (I don’t know that I believe in the “love languages” paradigm, but verbal praise makes my world go round.) I think this might be because Mr. Magpie’s parents never completely filled traditional gender roles in their household. They both cook; they both clean. Often, my MIL handles tasks I would assume my FIL would handle, and vice versa. She is plucky and undeterred by dirt, and at the same time, tremendously design-oriented and capable of doing anything from knitting to sewing her own window treatments. I wouldn’t be surprised if she weaves baskets and blows glass. Seriously – she probably does those things (sorry, Pat, if you’re reading this and have already told me you do these things). But she also weeds and is historically the more tech-proficient of the two. At one point, my MIL enjoyed a successful corporate career in technology, and I believe a lot of the housework fell to my FIL. To this day, I watch him proactively, shruggingly empty the dishwasher, prepare dinner, clear the plates, run to the grocery when staples are low, shuck the corn, etc. These feel like flimsy examples as I write them out, but I am convinced that there is something about their dynamic that has contributed to Mr. Magpie’s “noticing” in our own home.
All of this is a digression from my broader inquiry here into the concept of “noticing.” The phrase itself gave a name to — gave a shape to! — a lot of the invisible work that keeps me busy. As an example, I woke up in the middle of the night earlier this week and could not fall back asleep because my mind was racing with completely random and trivial tasks. I was wondering what special breakfast I should make the children on their first day of school, and whether it was too late to start one of those countdown calendars to school? Should I ask mini what she’d want on her first day of school for lunch? Would she be able to read a simple lunchbox note, or should I save that for another year, when she might need to rely less on the assistance of a teacher? I was also thinking that I should text my girlfriends to coordinate a trip to go apple picking (and/or possibly pumpkin picking) for some time in September or October, and wondering whether I should return that extra leotard I bought for mini because she seems to prefer the ones with spaghetti straps.
After reading Petersen’s interview with Mangino, I am recognizing that a lot of the “work” that gave rise to these skittering midnight thoughts can best be categorized as “noticing.” I am spending a lot of time observing my family and its needs. I must complicate this insight by saying that I like doing this work. It makes me feel good. Of course, my saying this does not contradict Mangino’s point that, nationally, the division of labor in the home is not equal, and that that imbalance is a problem. I have a strange, persistent hope that one day my children will look back and say, “Mom made everything special.” Why this matters so deeply to me, and seems so fulfilling to me, is an interesting question. I have always thought it had more to do with my personality, my strengths, my career — in a certain sense, I am a “noticer” for a living. That is, I am observant by both nature and trade. But Mangino introduces familial and gender norms to the mix that bear contemplation.
I thought this line of conversation might be helpful — enlightening! — to some of you. One of the most satisfying elements of writing for a living is “giving a name to” the maelstrom of emotions and experiences I am encountering on any given day. That “naming” orders my thoughts. When I saw the word “noticer,” it was like I’d rubbed clean a foggy corner of the mirror and saw myself a bit clearer. I am wondering if the same might be true for some of you.
Onward!
Post-Scripts.
+On apologies.
Shopping Break.
+I just spent a lot of time updating my shops — check out my new Amazon Boutique, my new Children’s Boutique, and my new Most Popular Boutique.
+Daphne Wilde just further reduced some of its beautiful dresses – love this late summer linen stripe and this rich paisley fall pattern.
+I have a henley sweatshirt from Old Navy similar to this year’s style that I literally wore once or twice a week last year — ordering another for sure. Mine is olive green but I also love that faded pine color…but maybe will go for the mineral white instead to switch things up. J’adore j’adore! So chic and easy with vintage fit denim and sneaks.
+Easy throw-and-go dress for end of summer. Pair with your favorite sneaks for a fresh look.
+I know I’ve talked your ear off about this, but I think I’ve put this patio dress on close to every evening for the past week straight. I like to replenish my makeup and change to sort of mark the end of the work day and the start of mom duties. This dress is perfect for evening. It’s not sheer and it’s not as starchy/stiff as it looks — very breathable and soft. Soft enough to sleep in but totally permissible to wear outside the home, too. It is kind of a bear to launder only because you really need to iron it afterward, or the scallops don’t show properly. Just a caveat!
+Going to share some of the purchases I’ve made for my children’s fall wardrobes soon, but had to mention this Patagonia fleece in the red/blue colorway since there are only a few left. Bought it for micro!
+Just ordered this candle for our home.
+We just ordered these urns to replant the boxwoods that flank our front door! Can’t wait for them to arrive.
+My children need these sweatshirts.
+S&L’s iconic riviera chairs are on sale — I still love the look of these, and they are so practical for young families.
+Hill House just added a bunch of summer items to their sale section! I am mildly obsessed with this Missoni-esque duster…fun! They also just re-released a bunch of their classic nap dresses in gingham — this green is versatile! Apple picking moment! Pair with velvet green furlanes for fall….
+Love this classic trench from Sezane.
+Adorable packing cubes from Neely and Chloe’s new collab with Couper!
+Well, this coat is a total dream.