*Image via Sandra Semburg.
I recently read a fascinating article on “the magic of your first work friends,” in which author Emma Goldberg observes: “There’s an electricity to forming that first close friend at work. It’s the thrill of staying too late at drinks to keep giggling. It’s the delight of darting to someone’s desk and dragging her to the bathroom to gossip. It’s the tenderness of showing up to work on a rough morning and realizing a co-worker will know instantly that something is wrong. Those early-career friendships have become something of an endangered species.”
Of course, I immediately thought of my girlfriend K. from my first “real” job out of college. She made a very drab year in government consulting manageable. We ate lunch together, bought our first designer bags together (Louis Vuitton Speedys), sat in all-staffs together, and suppressed countless bouts of laughter cloistered in our cubicles together. She became so engrained in my life that she attended several parties with my college friends, had dinner with my family, and — when her boyfriend was returning from a deployment in Iraq — asked me to help her pick “an airport outfit” for their reunion after months apart. When I think back on that year, I think of two things: how much I hated the work and how much I cherished her company.
It’s startling to think that work friends might be going the way of the dinosaur in the face of this more remote workplace. What’s at stake, I wonder? Is it luddite to instinctively mourn the loss of those connections? Are those friendships “perks” but immaterial to the actual business and, in general, to our lives? Or are those relationships key to building a strong and dynamic workforce, one where we might pull a little harder to help a friend out, or be more open to collaboration because we feel more comfortable? Having a close friend at my first professional job made the workplace much more pleasant. I loathed the work but I did not mind the rituals of the workplace because of her: I looked forward to our coffee meet-ups, lunch dates, afternoon strolls outside to thaw from the unbearable frost of peak summer air conditioning. On the flipside, I have witnessed instances where workplace friendships can be corrosive to morale: people team up against one another, or cliques form, or one “bad attitude” permeates an entire crew. I am thinking specifically of situations where a team member disagreed with a strategy or rolled her eyes at a team-building exercise, and those postures soured the mood for everyone and opened the door to foot-dragging and even mutiny. For those reasons, I was close with K. but tended to keep my other colleagues at an arm’s length — a strategy I would strongly advise of any young person entering the workforce because I think close work friendships can complicate and occasionally jeopardize career decisions. It is much easier to keep your head down and tow the line when you are not emotionally tethered to other people. I worked in several start-up organizations in which strong performance led to quick promotions, and I observed many instances in which former workplace peers were suddenly separated by degrees of authority, and this dynamic inevitably rankled. It is difficult to pass along instruction or feedback when you used to badmouth the boss and stay late at happy hour together.
And there are so many gains to an asynchronous, scattered workforce anyway — perhaps “close work friendships” are one loss against a long suite of gains. For one thing, I think it is empowering for the employee to be able to work when and how she wants. I find myself much more productive when I can control my workflow autonomously rather than being arbitrarily chained to my desk for a certain set of hours. I can’t tell you how many times I’d rush through my work in first half of the day and then kill two or three hours until I could go home playing solitaire, online shopping, and even reading books in my cubicle. What a waste of everyone’s time!
Still, there is something that pains me to imagine that the old meet-at-the-water-cooler experience is near-extinct. Are we losing a major pillar of meaningful social interaction with its demise? There is something uniquely human and character-building about learning to cooperate with strangers in a workplace. You discover how different people are. You develop prejudices against and accommodations for different work and communication styles. Especially as a young person, these are fascinating and important opportunities to cultivate yourself, to learn how you are perceived versus how you want to be.
What say you, Magpies? What are we losing here?
Post-Scripts.
+On female friendships.
+On being truly happy for friends.
+On making friendships through motherhood.
Shopping Breaks.
+Mamas rejoice: Frances Hart is running a sale, including my adorable gingham dress (you can see me in it here) and this cute floral dress, which would be perfect as a transition-to-fall piece. These dresses are great for all phases of motherhood: pregnancy, post-partum, nursing, not pregnant, etc.
+I’ve been eyeing this popover from Frank & Eileen for awhile now — I can’t decide if I want it in white to throw on with jeans or in the faded navy (almost denim) color? I’m going to use code JULY22 to get $50 off this purchase once I decide on a color! The “sand” is also chic…
+Activities currently in my cart for my littles: these Squigz and these magnetic letters. Also contemplating more Plus Plus. I brought a small travel tube with us on vacation and even the adults enjoyed using them!
+Margaux is running an archive sale — I’m tempted by these mules in the blue suede (!) or red paisley pattern, but I must say I got SO MUCH WEAR out of my forest green velvet shoes last fall, and would heavily endorse these if you’re in the market. So cute with winter dresses, jeans and a sweater, cords, etc! They add a little festive flair.
+Last year, these reversible quilted pullovers were a TOP favorite pick as a gift for men for the holidays. Found on sale here and here (<<test codes YOUROCK and YOURULE to see if you can get an extra 20% off) and would be a great fall purchase for your man! Also found it on sale for women here, and kinda tempted!
+I am such a sucker for all things Westman Atelier. Eyeing their new setting powder.
+Really getting into the fall spirit – this chunky knit is also in my cart. I wanted it all last season and now it’s 70% off. So cute over a turtleneck, plaid nap dress, or even patterned dress like this with booties.
+Totally lusting after this Bottega tote. No hardware, no labels, and impossibly chic in that great navy color.
+This under-$100 clutch bag has a Mansur Gavriel simplicity to it that I love.
+Loving this cardigan in the new “spruce” color for fall and winter — would look so great over a plaid dress!
+Obsessed with everything Lizzie Fortunato is putting out at the moment. I feel like this necklace would be perfect for fall.
+This embroidered dress is just spectacular.