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Earlier this month, I had a strange professional interaction that threw me. I believe the other party was just sharing her expertise, but she made me feel about an inch tall. I have gone over the conversation with a fine-toothed comb — was I being over-sensitive? Or was she in fact insulting me? Was I simply unaccustomed to her blunt manner? Or was she — as it seemed — trying to take me down a peg? And if she was, what did it matter? Why did I let her comments get to me?
I don’t know, maybe I was due for a humbling.
But also — I don’t know, maybe I should have said something — “excuse me, I don’t need to be spoken to that way,” or “I’m surprised you’d feel comfortable saying that,” or even repeating what she’d said aloud — “Can we back up for a second? I may have misunderstood, but it sounded like you asked…”
Mainly, I have been feeling disappointed in myself. Surely I am tenured enough to stand still in my center. Surely I can let a stranger’s comment roll right off my back. And yet I got off the phone call, went downstairs to Mr. Magpie’s office, and found myself on the brink of tears. After detailing the conversation, I finally explained, “I feel…embarrassed?”
It’s a tricky thing, to sift out the ego from the earnest. To know when to give yourself a shake and say: “You know what? She does know better, even if her delivery was gruff; just take the medicine,” versus “Jen, you’ve gotta stand up for yourself!”
I mentioned a little of this on Instagram, and how the entire incident made me feel so far afield from my vision of what it means to be “a woman of substance,” that luminous north star. I concluded that maybe being a woman of substance is more a practice than a destination. Something to aspire to daily.
One Magpie offered the most gorgeous soft landing (thank you, Kate) — she wrote: “The ability to engage in self reflection? That is a trademark of a woman of substance. Vulnerability? Same thing. You are doing great.”
I don’t feel like I did great that day, but it did prompt some useful self-examination. For one thing, I have been workshopping a couple of strategies for similar situations in the future. I could tell, two minutes into the conversation, that I was upset — could feel my own fluster and hurt building — and yet I permitted the exchange to go on for a full hour. I felt locked in for some reason; I let her lead. Why?! I suppose out of politeness? Next time I witness those warning flares, I am going to exercise the right to pause the conversation — “something came up; let’s connect on this another time.” Or even ask if I can call back in a few minutes, after I’ve gathered myself. Having a second to think about how I feel and possibly phrase an objection or redirection would have helped, or at least put me in a place where I felt more emotionally prepared.
Have you encountered a similar situation? How did you acquit yourself? What has helped you through?
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Sunday Shopping Poetry.
First – did you know Nordstrom Rack carries a fair amount of designer denim, including Mother, which has slowly become one of my preferred brands?! A great pair of classic white skinnies here. (Yes, you can still wear skinnies.) Also: just received my Westman bronzing drops and have been in such dire need of them. I am so pale! And! My mother ordered this adorable little Madewell bag while we were traveling together. It’s 25% off right now.
OK, last two shopping notes: 1) I just ordered this fun Merlette top. I’d never seen anything like it! Love the chambray material and dramatic collar. SO chic! 2) Everlane is offering 25% off sitewide! This white dress is a classic.
ALEMAIS DRESS // MADEWELL BAG (25% OFF!) // FREDA SALVADOR FLATS (10% OFF WITH MAGPIE10) // MOTHER JEANS (ON SALE!) // WESTMAN ATELIER BRONZING DROPS // EVERLANE DRESS // MERLETTE TOP // MANGO SHORTS // LIZZIE FORTUNATO NECKLACE