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A few months ago, someone told me something that was difficult to hear – a sharp criticism that left me stammering, with heated cheeks. I could barely get my glass of water down to the table. I can’t recall what I said in immediate reply — it felt as though my ears and mouth had swollen closed. (Later, Mr. Magpie informed me I had nodded wanly and let the moment quietly go by.) I passed through the remainder of the afternoon as though submerged in water, with questions reaching me slowly, and with thick distortion. “Did you want another slice?” someone had asked, twice.
Later, two heads on a pillow, Mr. Magpie and I unpacked the damage, and gingerly, after I’d cried into his shirt. I told him that all afternoon, I’d felt an unkind desire to return the barb — or at least to point out how my critic was herself guilty of the same thing she found so unpleasant in me. I’d been lawyerly, crafting elaborate, airtight responses, dialing in on the errors and inconsistencies of her argument. But as I laid in bed, I told him that I also saw in my litigiousness a thin veil for the truth: that I was hurt, and sad. That I had not known she’d seen me that way, and was disappointed that someone could. And I knew that saying something sharp and cutting in response would do nothing–or worse.
We laid in bed with these thoughts. I considered myself, painfully, from new angles. I wondered what to say, or if I had to say anything. I asked why the comment had mattered so much to me: was it a people pleasing thing, or had she touched on some hypogean insecurity? I posited that there was some truth in the criticism. I examined the possibility that the comment was also a projection, or trigger response, on the part of the speaker. Mr. Magpie ran his hand up and down my leg as I rambled through these difficult explorations, occasionally interjecting with knowing looks or “but, Jen–” or, just, “I love you, Jennie.” Slowly, my umbrage gave way to tenderness. I dropped my crudely-formed defenses, and then my hurt, too, until I felt like the softest part of my pillow.
I learned something important that day. I would reflect on and learn from the actual criticism for some time, but this learning was agnostic to the specifics of that afternoon’s interaction. That day, I discovered how to be loving with myself even while experiencing conflict, and hurt. Too often in my life these moments have been shrouded with shame, the automatic assumption of fault, and subsequent self-torment, but that day, I was gentle with myself even as I explored the less-than-pleasant possibility that my critic was correct. I let myself be soft instead of hard.
Incredible, how much there is to learn, even at forty years old. I am still becoming myself after all.
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Also this week —
Made Ina Garten’s Lemon Pound cake — absolutely delicious for breakfast with coffee, or as a citrus kiss after dinner.
Treated myself to an at-home blowout the day before we went out of town — new unlock! Such a luxury not to have to think about doing your hair for the first few days of a trip. I used Glamsquad — reminder: $20 off for new users with code JenniferS and $15 off for repeat users with code JenniferS15.
My two men! Mr. Magpie wearing a really nice quality tee from American basics brand Rowan.
Diaries of a chronic overpacker // mini at the Garrett County Fair by Deep Creek Lake.
Back patio morning hanging at Deep Creek Lake
Dock stuff // boat stuff
Morning lawn baseball at Deep Creek Lake
Managed to read one book and start a second while traveling — new level of parenthood reached! // Back home, a moody hydrangea morning run during Storm Debbie
Stretched out our anniversary week (14 years!) by enjoying a bottle of champagne we’d been saving on Tuesday, cutting into a caramel cake from Caroline’s Cakes (DELICIOUS – will be sending these as gifts for Christmas!), and going out to dinner on Friday.
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Shopping poetry: Tis the season of the denim dress. Just added this to my closet. // New UBeauty lip plasma colors. They just sent me the Idol and it’s such a great late summer hue! 20% off for new and returning customers with code JENSHOOP. // Ciao Lucia’s new collection is full of vintage-inspired pieces – obsessed with this little black ditty. // A lookalike for my Veronica Beard jacket I wore all last fall, but under $200. // Speaking of, no one does fall like Veronica Beard. I love their latest arrivals – all my top picks here. // Labels for your kids’ school gear! // Even though I wrote about back to school a few weeks ago, I dilly-dallied and was shocked to find very few navy walking shorts available for my son! (I’d also misread the uniform code – sounds like pull-on/drawstring shorts are a no-no now. Oops.) Gap and J. Crew Factory were sold out in the walking shorts! I managed to snag the last two of these in a size 5 and ordered a few less expensive pairs on Amazon – these, these – to test! Yikes!