I participated in a book club last week in which we discussed the poem “The Writer” by Richard Wilbur. The central image of the poem is a father looking on — encouragingly, but as a spectator — as his daughter strains to express herself in writing. One of the things that struck me about the conversation that followed was how universally-felt that parenting experience is. Every single mother in the group — and these mothers spanned from women in their 30s to their 60s — related to the agony of watching a child struggle and knowing that it is best to let the child figure it out on her own. This is true of babies rooting around to find their pacifiers and learning to self-soothe, toddlers insisting “I do it” while spilling milk all over the floor, right on up to teens moping their way around the strangeness of adolescence and adult children trying on new partners and new careers. One of my girlfriends shared that just earlier that day, her three year old boy had insisted on getting himself dressed and emerged from his room beaming, his polo shirt on backwards so that the collar was pressed suffocatingly to his neck. “And so I sent him off to school like that,” she said, with a sigh.
We all murmured our approval, because —
What a beautiful thing, to love somebody so much that you would gladly bear the awkwardness, or the discomfort, or the desire to “correct,” such that he can grow to be independent.
I feel this profoundly when I am on the playground with my boy. He is three and in possession of that terrifying mix of ambition and wild overestimation of his own abilities. I watch him mount climbing walls and ascend the bars of various playground structures with my breath sucked-in. His feet wobble on the rungs. I watch him calculate his own purchase. I have to sit on my hands, suppress the desire to call out, “Be careful!”, which I know should be stricken from my motherly vocabulary. I usually send Mr. Magpie in. He is much better at this:
“How do you feel up there?” he’ll shout, looking both calm and impressed.
After, my boy will stand, elated. “I did it!” he’ll shout, usually to his sister rather than to us. She invariably applauds.
Mr. Magpie will return to the bench and tell me: “Trust me, it will be more dangerous if we don’t let him do this. He’ll just get sturdier the more he tries.” I will remind myself to exhale.
This physical example feels already like a metaphor for crucibles down the road. That is, these “little kid” interactions are a rehearsal — “little kids, little problems,” one of my girlfriends told me the other day. I don’t want to imagine what big kid problems look like yet. But I appreciate that I am preparing myself for the eventuality.
And so, like Wilbur, I will continue to practice. I will work at “wishing my children a lucky passage.” I will stand at the door, listening, loving, scaffolding, praying for the moment where they are
Beating a smooth course for the right window
And clearing the sill of the world.
Post-Scripts.
+At first, the word “wish” sat unwell with me because of the old adage — “don’t grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be.” But in this case, I think it’s more about doing as much as you can as a parent and then affording your children the space to be themselves.
+Another parenting poem I love.
Shopping Break.
+Head of fashion at J. Crew, Olympia Gayot, shared that this brushed wool topcoat is her favorite piece in J. Crew’s current collection and now I can’t get it out of my head. The texture and shape are so good!
+Another really good miniskirt option — under $35. I like the idea of this with a slightly chunky riding boot and knit on top.
+Such a great fall blouse — under $120.
+This satin headband is $8 and the perfect width and color — light brown.
+Now THIS coat is fabulous. And under $100. I often feel that biker-inspired coats are too aggressive on me, but this has such a great cropped cut and I love the collar and cuffs.
+The details on this Rhode dress! Would be a good option if expecting / with bump for various fall activities / family portraits / etc.
+These children’s pajamas are surprisingly well made for the $20 price.
+I saw the founder of chic label Sold Out Nyc wearing these silky pants on Instastories, and loved the way she styled it — with a white tee and sneaks for casual wear; with a blazer and heels for drinks. Versatile!
+H&M just released a chic ankle-height cowboy boot for $65. Run!
+Just bought mini these velvet hair clips.
+These giant coloring sheets are fun for an at-home activity for littles — perfect for Thanksgiving or a Halloween celebration.
+This fleece topper is so fun. It brought to mind the fabulous Gucci coat I’ve seen all over Instagram lately!
+Fun sweater jacket situation. (Guess I’m in an outerwear mood!)