Today, I’m republishing an essay from a year ago. Its sentiment occurs to me often — a foothold when I need one. I reached for it heavily when we lost our Tilly in February and it felt that our house would never be the same. I still catch myself hearing her paws or the jangle of her collar every now and then, and I realize, with a sinking heart, that I am casting after her ghost. I sit with that acute loss for a minute, and then I remind myself that I am never empty-pocketed. That I have her memory, and the promise of a future dog, and that life will continue to replenish me.
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For years, I have avoided Hanya Yanagihara because what little I know about her award-winning novel, A Little Life, is distressing enough to disquiet me from afar. I don’t think I could handle it. My sister, who knows my triggers and worries well, has insisted it is not for me, and I take her word for it. That said, I have encountered pieces of the writing from this book here and there, and I marvel over her work, even decontextualized. I have had this Hanya Yanagihara quote saved in a journal for awhile:
“Things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.”
The language here releases me in twenty different directions. First, I think of loss and the way life slowly “takes root around the perimeter,” rearranging itself around new contours and dips and sinkholes. Areas that used to be packed sturdy now run tender but we learn how to accommodate those soft spots, or we feel newly grateful for terra firma. People come out of the woodwork, new doors open, we see the corners of our worlds in fresh — sometimes painfully fresh — ways.
I have experienced this rearrangement so many times, and not even for life’s heavier moments. Sometimes I am caught up in a trivial stress and I step outside and find myself newly happy for the simplicity of suburban life, as though the cardinals and bunnies and dew are apology notes.
I felt that way, too, in New York City. Our good friends (longtime Manhattanites) insisted when we moved there that “New York always makes it up to you.” I didn’t know what they meant until I realized that for every instance of missed subway stops, disgusting city detritus, “no more tables available,” stranger-making-an-uncomfortable-scene, fussy lines and long waits, there were also “the pinch mes”: 85th street blanketed in snow, Jackie O. in the spring, the way you almost can’t believe the shock of the cityscape against a night sky, the bald drama of it all. The way the staff at Barney Greengrass make you feel like you’re doing something wrong while ordering, and you never know where to stand there or what the protocols for lox and accoutrements are, but you’re still part of it, and it feels magical and slightly staged, as if the entire city is an elaborate performance of itself, and you are — against all odds — among the cast. New York bustles, and sometimes it is a grind and other times you move with its electricity, as though an extension of its tentacle.
Anyhow, these are fibrous examples, but I read those words from Yanagihara and I see a kind of philosophy of life that has played out so frequently in my own: the way life bends and bounces back, resilient.
The way we lose so much as we live — opportunities, friendships, loved ones, rhythms, places — but we are never empty-pocketed. Life continues to replenish us. Sometimes not with what we think we want or need, but I tend to believe that often these compensations are unexpectedly wonderful.
Post-Scripts.
+It’s just that–!! (Life is so short!)
+What does happiness look like?
Shopping Break.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+This featherweight cashmere polo (one of my favorite silhouettes ever) is in my cart in both the cheerful red and the elegant ink navy.
+Guys, I’m not even a heel girl anymore but I really think I need these boots. They are divine; they are perfect. Probably more practical to go with VB’s lower-heeled, similar option but…the proportions of the first are just beyond ideal.
+I’ve gotten so, so much wear out of this white denim skirt this summer. (See me in it here and here, for example.) Eyeing this brown denim skirt as a transition to fall option.
+My husband, who buys essentially nothing for himself (only splurges: cookbooks and high quality ingredients), sent me a text with a link to this new coffee machine from Fellow. (Tagline: “Pour-over quality coffee with the press of a button.”) He loves to hand-grind his beans and follow his elaborate and perfect pourover process, but we are also pragmatics and often brew our daily cups from the Moccamaster (which we love, too). Still, ever the coffee perfectionist, he’s eyeing this machine. I have to buy it for him, right?! Has anyone gotten their hands on one?
+Chic look-for-less blazer option for fall. Reminds me of this Veronica Beard, but under $200. I like the idea of pairing with high-waisted, dark wash denim and those booties I shared earlier. (Drool.)
+My daughter would flip over these sherpa clogs.
+These juice glasses are so charming. Love the ones with the cherry motif!
+I used this face mask over the weekend and was reminded of how insanely good it is. Really feels like you’re freezing your face — in the best way — and your skin is instantly refreshed, recharged. Clarins does not mess around. Their products work so well.
+If you’re looking for a great gift for a new mama, these oversized quilted Pehr pouches are it. They hold SO MUCH, come in the cutest prints, and are the perfect thing to switch between diaper bags with all the real, real essentials (a few diapers, a slim pack of wipes, pacifier, a few food pouches, etc.). I’m also a big fan of this brand’s fabric soft-sided bins. We have them for various smaller sets of toys (perfect for your daughter’s Maileg set, Barbie clothes, etc) and I also like to use them as the gift basket for a new mama to be and filled with some of my favorite essentials. I wrap the entire thing in cello with a big satin ribbon for a sweet presentation.
+This coat is a dream. Also available in a variation with a scarf detail. Epic!
+These floral rainboots for your little love!