It’s a slow-release poison, to over-worry about what other people think. I would know; I’ve been queasy with its effects for too long. Since I was a child! Always big eyes and a quiet voice: don’t rock the boat. The time I interjected while my father was disciplining another sibling, and was told, crisply, to mind my own business. I was sick with my own comeuppance for weeks. I felt I’d misplayed my hand, revealed some horrible inner daemon, lost my seating as the responsible older sister. The time I shared a photo of my friend’s child without asking first, and upset him — the way I cried about this, the way I carried it like an albatross! I felt rotten, and still, ten years later, think about it too often when we’re together, prodding at how it’s reshaped his opinion of me. There are bigger things, too, of course, and smaller things, like the time I was trying to parallel park while an impatient driver raged and honked behind me in Lincoln Park. Eventually, he flew around into oncoming traffic to give me the finger and scream through my window. I nursed that for months, permitted his anger to make me wonder about my competency as a driver — I guess that spot had been too small, and I’d held up a lane of traffic for a few minutes…? For awhile, I avoided parking when other cars were close by.
There is accountability, and then there is…this. This tendency to gild the inelaborate. To see mistakes not as reparable via earnest apology, or opportunities to learn, but as markers of deficiency. It takes such strenuous work to give myself a soft landing; I am much more comfortable browbeating. Is this a Catholic thing, an oldest daughter thing, a me thing?
I’m posing the wrong question. Because the real one is: how do I move beyond this? I ask this acutely. I have been quietly struggling for years with the aftermath of putting up boundaries in a fraught relationship, and when I wake up in twisted bedsheets over it, I feel first a private pain, as sharp as a knife tip, and second, nearly as quickly, a low throb over how my actions disturbed the peace of others, and forever dented their perceptions of me. I hate the easy sorority of these sentiments. Can’t I please grow up and focus on the subject rather than its dubious predicate? I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of myself, I whisper. But my soul cries back: and at the expense of whom? I feel then the ancient, inborn responsibility to keep the peace.
And whose peace am I keeping?
I am forty; I am exhausted with this routine. If I am honest, it makes me want to withdraw into the safest of scanned waters: the small ring of close family and friends who seem willing to accept me no matter my missteps. But really I know I must find a way to make like a duck: to let the water slick right off my back. Because I cannot hide in my own huddle forever.
I am writing my way through this, in private journal. Most of the time, instead of an answer, I find an apology. But nothing leaves until it has taught us what we need to learn. And something interesting is happening: I am finding the stitching ever so slightly looser. A little more room for myself. Yet again, life’s interruptions become a creative grist that sustains, and sometimes soothes.
Here, now, we are letting out the seams.
Post-Scripts.
+On writing as a daily practice.
+What are your favorite Substacks?
+More on soft landings — and something that felt a lot like grace. I am capable of those moments from time to time!
Shopping Break.
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+My notebook in the snap above is by D.C.-based paper brand Appointed — I’m obsessed with them. I love that you can buy them blank, lined, or gridded (each with their own merits) and the linen effect top is so elegant. Nice quality paper, too, that doesn’t bleed through. (I believe the code MAGPIEBYJENSHOOP still gets you 15% off.) Lately, I’ve been using these ultra-fine-point pens for hand-drafting.
+I keep thinking about these Citizens jeans. The tuxedo stripe down the side is so interesting! I imagine pairing with a crisp white button-down. Gap has a good look for less pair.
+Oo la la, this red cardigan! Giving Jenni Kayne Cooper vibes but in a fun pop of red.
+It’s read-books-under-a-blanket season. These ones are the best. One of those things you’ve heard about forever but totally lives up to the hype.
+Speaking of “regrettably worth it” (RWI) items, these Skims tees have my attention. Several people have referred to Skims products as “the ultimate RWI.”
+The intrecciato look for under $75. (These remind me of the ones from Freda Salvador and Loeffler!)
+Ordered my son this shacket to match his Dad.
+Have seen these embellished boucle Chanel Mary Janes on a few chic peas — j’adore! Get the vibe for less with these Margaux (selling fast). And did you see the Margaux collab with Matilda Goad? These are fun! Such great colors.
+Speaking of footwear, I did order these flat Larroude boots. I’d been eyeing for so long! I was tempted to get brown but I feel like I’ve bought solely brown footwear this season. These will be a fun alternate when I feel like wearing black.
+Eyeing these faux leather pants.
+I’m way past the baby years but this changing table stopped me in my tracks! I would have LOVED this for my daughter’s nursery. The scalloping!
+Most polished sweatsuit. Something you can actually wear with ballet flats and look pulled together in! Try code APPLE for $50 off.