When I was young, I felt I needed to know everything, or pretend I did. “She doesn’t even know long division,” a third grader tossed out in my direction, and my cheeks went pink as I insisted the contrary. I’d heard my brother talk about it, had seen the strange arc-hurdle line he’d draw to separate the smaller number from the bigger one, and yet its mechanics were as caliginous to me as the dark of the nook beneath our basement stairs, in which we’d hide candy wrappers and other verboten objects from my parents, and occasionally force one another to hide. We’d sit there in abject horror, feeling the cold concrete walls closing in on us as we’d spy apparitions of gnashing teeth and the phantom legs of venomous spiders. Nothing grows in the dark but our worst imaginations.
That night, I went home and asked my brother to teach me. We sat at the white table in the breakfast room, whose checkerboard floors were heated in the cold months by the clanking and occult HVAC directly beneath, and I pressed the pads of my feet to its warming flint as I watched my brother’s Ticondaroga mark up the page in what looked like witchcraft. Outside the window, the bare November branches turned to talons in the tenebrous dim. My brother would look over at me through his glasses to gauge my apprehension, and I’d nod agreeably as his explanations ricocheted off of me like rain on rubber.
“Good, good,” he said, satisfied. I smiled weakly and took the paper to my room and studied its necromancy as I descended into an uneasy peace with my unknowing.
It took me a long, long time to see that being a draft was not demotive. To understand that we are in a constant state of learning and unlearning, becoming and unbecoming. That we are as fluid and flowing as the fringetrees by the playground we frequented those D.C. springs of my youth. In June, they flaunt their fleecy panicles; in January, they stand still and bare as stick figure drawings. Like us, they are in a state of constant rewriting.
Post-Scripts.
+On pursuing English as a major.
+What would you study if you could go back to school?
+What’s something you could never get tired of talking about?
Shopping Break.
The following content may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through the links below, I may receive compensation.
+This navy dress arrived and she is SO flattering and chic — omg. She’s 40% off; you need her, too. I felt instantly like I was an elegant, tall European woman embarking on her important day. (She really makes you look taller than you are! Very elongating and slimming.)
+Sezane brought back its chic Clarine skirt in a GREAT dark wash denim. I own this in the lighter wash denim and have gotten a ton of use out of her. Looks so chic with just a simple tee tucked in.
+La Ligne vibes for under $100. Get these to pair with the Colbys / these silky J. Crew pants!
+Chic, unfussy canvas pouches to organize your everyday tote.
+Mille is offering an extra 50% off their sale section with code EXTRA50OFF this weekend only! Treat yourself to one of their punchy Charlie tops (with code, like $62!) or cute Daisy dresses ($80 with code!)
+Ancient Greek is running a sale, too! Sadly, their jellies are not included, but these Eleftherias are. I own and love these in the tan leather, but the silver are really fun and would be a great option for dressier events where you don’t want to wear heels.
+I own this breezy shirtdress in two fabrics (navy linen and denim) and adore both. I was just thinking this would be a great maternity-to-nursing buy — loose-fit but chic, would accommodate a growing bump, perfect for breastfeeding, and then obviously can be worn after! Try code ESCAPE or SUMMER50 for $50 off.
+Perfect shower bench. Spa vibes!
+Oo, this barn coat looks so much like the ones from Prada! Look for even less here. These and chore jackets are the coveted silhouettes for fall outerwear.
+A great $12 pair of earrings.
+Easy everyday dresses for back-to-school from Hanna Andersson on sale!
+The Great just launched a capsule of their “Collectors Pieces,” a “tightly edited collection of Americana classics and wearable treasures.” Lots of great wardrobe staples to remix for years to come — love the drape of this striped sweater.