The first time they wheeled my daughter out of my hospital room, I was terrified and a little relieved and ashamed to be a little relieved. With my son, the same. Maybe I was better at parting ways with him, knowing as second-time mothers do how hungry little children are for your attention and care; how thin-on-the-ground alone time is. I trusted, even as he left, that I had many long days of lying with him in my bed in our cramped Central Park West apartment, during which I could study his perfect features and whisper ancient promises to him and rock him back and forth, mine and only mine.
But those hospital separations did something to me. They are the dawnbreak thoughts that rise when I think of — when I hear the words — goodbye. Firefly memories that tap on and off, automatically, usually without my thinking much about them. Someone could call out “goodbye, Jen!” across a playground and that moment in the hospital flashes before me, and it disappears before I can even blink.
The other day, I realized something: those goodbye memories are more origin stories than anything–and not solely theirs. The babies were out of my body, and out of my room, and I was adjusting to my new life as a separate entity, forever changed from my former self–from even the self who had delivered them and held them to my chest just hours earlier. In those moments, after the nurses had wheeled my children out to the nursery, I was alone again with my own body for the first time in ten months. Or maybe it is more accurate to write: I was alone for the first time with my own body. Because my body was new to me on March 5, 2017 and again on May 31, 2019. Each birth marked me — left a wide scar, and then another, plus all the other imprints associated with having a baby. I was Ambrosia, transformed to grapevine,* amidst the first of many metamorphoses. “Hello, nice to meet you,” I might have said to the unfamiliar scar and tender abdomen in the hospital bed with me. “Thanks for all you’ve done. Now let’s get down to the business of getting comfortably acquainted.”
I can’t explain the way this feels, but I assume other mothers know it: that moment is an ending and a beginning, and it’s unusually well-announced.
I mean, how often do big life plot points creep quietly by? It’s not often we know “this is the last time I’ll see my grandmother” or “this is the final walk with my dog” or, on the less lachrymose side of things: “this is the day I meet my husband” or “this is the essay that puts me on the map.” A lot of them only become remarkable after the fact. But that moment in the hospital, for me, was a clarion genesis; I entered it with a “this must be the place” energy. It was the beginning of a lifelong process of separation and salutation. My heart leaving the room in a bassinet, my heart returning to itself. Two pulses cleaving. Aching against the distance, and at the same time craving it. It is motherhood, isn’t it, this duality, this everything and and and in which we forever lose and discover ourselves. I see myself in my son; he is his own. I can’t explain the mystery. Where does he end and I begin?
Valedictions, salutations; motherhood makes it difficult to tell the difference.
Post-Scripts.
*In Greek mythology, Ambrosia was a wet-nurse to Dionysus. When Lycurgus outlawed the worship of Dionysus, she was imprisoned and sentenced to death. Gaia transformed her into a grapevine to save her.
**I must provide some telling context to this musing: about half of it was written while continuously interrupted by my son, who was home from school and playing in my studio, chirping little observations and questions every other minute. Maddening conditions for writing, but also completely a propos of the subject today.
+On doing small things with great love.
+Motherhood is a long division.
Shopping Break.
+This yellow zip-front shirtdress is SO gorgeous. I live in these kinds of dresses. While you’re there, these patterned pants I mentioned a week or so ago arrived and are divine. Petite friendly because of cropped length and so comfortable!
+I think I need this lightweight fleece polo situation. It looks vintage!
+Love the silhouette of these jeans.
+I know we’re heading out of pointelle season (or are we…), but several Magpies have raved about Marea’s pointelle pieces; I just ordered one of these. We’ll see if it compares to my gold standard, Leset, which I wear constantly!
+Two morning athleisure staples: this half-zip (on sale in select colors) and these leggings — my absolute favorite, and also on sale in a few colors.
+Fresh La Ligne goodness: this top, this dress.
+I was never really into diffusers — I always thought they were overly perfumed and just preferred the soft glow and vibe of a candle anyhow — but when we stayed at Passalacqua, the hotel had diffusers everywhere that gently perfumed the entire lobby and its various convening spaces. It felt so elegant and opulent. I went home a changed diffuser woman. Now we have one in our front hall and one in our powder room. I am absolutely obsessed with this fields scent diffuser from Linnea. I followed a Magpie reader’s rec (I think it was you, Kelly Stop Worrying!) and only use a small number of the sticks at a time to prevent the smell from being too cloying/big. You must try it!!!
+This $100 customizable tote is adorable! Giving Anya Hindmarch vibes.
+Cute $20 cardigan.
+Two new hair products I just received and am excited to test: this plumping volume spray from Lolavie and this air-dry cream from Divi. I actually used the latter today. I’m trying to let my hair air-dry more frequently (whenever possible) and I was impressed at how this really glossed and smoothed my strands — it didn’t air dry into those ugly crimps like usual.
+Speaking of hair products, still really love and have faith in this inexpensive mint-rosemary oil for hair strength and shine. My neighbor with great hair also swears by this clarifying shampoo, which intrigues me. When I need a good detox/scrub, though, I still use and LOVE my Goop stuff (15% off with SHOOP15).
+Really cute linen mini.
+Have you heard of the sandal company Beek? I learned about them via a petite influencer I love following named Shannon Pulsifer, who recently did a collab with the shoe brand that sold out! I am in love with the hardware-heavy styles, like this. Like jewelry for your feet!
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