A few months ago, a girlfriend told me that she was proactively seeking small ways to give her six-year-old daughter more independence. She talked about sending her daughter to drop a letter into the mailbox across the street, and how her daughter had looked at her with saucer-wide eyes: “Across the street? By myself?” My friend nodded calmly, and then turned her back to busy herself with something else, as though it wasn’t a big deal, but once she heard the door close, she ran to the window to watch from behind a curtain. Her daughter stood at the curb and looked left and right for a good few minutes before sprinting across to drop the letter, and then ran home with a look of gleeful accomplishment on her face. I loved this story and have been channeling it with my own children since. My friend and I also talked about “the feral 80s and 90s” in which we grew up, where we enjoyed a lot more independence than our children’s generation does. I grew up in a house on top of a hill on a busy street, so I did not experience quite the same “don’t come back until dinnertime” vibe that many of my friends did — but I still remember my mother shooing us outside and not expecting to see us until lunch, and spending countless unsupervised afternoons at the local park and playground adjacent to my best friend’s Cathedral Heights-area home, and, strangely perhaps, in the gridded alleyways behind it. We liked to pretend we were Harriet(s) the Spy, and would crouch behind garbage bins and neighbors’ shrubs taking down notes about the (benign) ongoings of the neighborhood. I also recall many summers at the pool during which we made our own determinations about when to pause for a snack or water, when to wrap up and find adults to ferry us home, etc.
Mr. Magpie and I have been talking a lot about these themes the past few weeks, and have decided that our mission for the summer is to cultivate independence in our children. This is in part self-serving, or necessary, because we have no childcare this summer save for a few hours a week with a mother’s helper, but we also want to empower them, and help them see themselves as capable.
I’m curious to know — what are some pathways for inviting independence among children under the age of 8?
A few small, specific things we’ve been doing below —
+Teaching them to bathe themselves. I am still “spotting” them to ensure bodies are actually cleaned and suds are actually rinsed from hair, but bath/shower time is much less about me bending over and pouring water over their heads than ever before.
+Involving them in the preparation and plating of their own meals and snacks. Mr. Magpie bought them their own knife and peeler set (seen above), and we will invite them to wash and then slice their own berries, melon, peaches, etc. We also keep most (healthy, approved) snacks at reaching level so that they can help themselves to an apple, yogurt, cheese stick, granola bar, etc when they’re hungry.
+Teaching them to put on their own sunscreen and brush their own hair. This also requires “spotting” but it has to start somewhere.
+Asking that they run over to the neighbors to return / borrow something we need.
+Having them order their own food at restaurants.
+Buckling their own seat belts.
+Setting the table with napkins and appropriate cutlery, and asking them where they’d like to eat — outside? picnic? dining table?
+Granting them autonomy in dressing themselves and selecting shoes, jackets, etc.
+Giving them more wiggle room at bedtime. Summer is so forgiving — less pressure to get them to bed on time so that they have a full night of sleep for school! — and we’ve been lenient with them in the evenings. If they’re happily working on Legos, or coloring, or even riding bikes outside, we’ll let them know we’re closing in on bedtime, and suggest that they draw things to a close when they’re ready. This doesn’t always work out perfectly, but it feels gentler and more empowering to invite them finish a task, project, game, etc before shuffling them into bed.
+Sending them to pay for something at the cashier or vending machine.
+Asking them to place letters in the mailbox.
+In general, asking: “Why don’t you try to do that yourself?”, even if things take much longer or are not done fully.
What else can we do to foster this independence? What’s worked for you?
Post-Scripts.
+Related: bringing Montessori in the home.
+How do you get your children to eat? (Comments are incredible — I routinely think about and quote from many of them, especially the concept of thinking about their diets in 48 hour periods vs. 24 hour ones.) I’m also happy to share that after a long and arduous road, our seven year old will at least try everything on her plate, and will usually eat what’s presented to her on a given night, and that our five year old is rapidly rounding the corner. I think it’s partly an age thing and partly a persistence thing.
+My favorite sensory play ideas for kids.
Shopping Break.
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+Perfect last-minute FOJ dress — extra 50% off!
+I think I’m going to order these $50 sandals. The bungee detail reminds me of a pair from Miu Miu.
+This breezy top reminds me of Doen. And while we’re talking Tuckernuck tops, our favorite striped top is now available in tons of colors including a great, versatile white.
+Looking for some inexpensive travel backpacks for the kids at the last minute. Their school ones are pretty big and dinged up – looking at this one. Love the patterns and fun shape. We also bought them these headphones to use on the plane. In doing research, we learned that many children’s headphones smartly cap out the volume so kids won’t hurt their hearing listening to things to loud, but that can mean that on airplanes, they can barely hear a thing since the cabins are so noisy. We got them these ones with active noise canceling so that they can listen at a safe volume but actually hear it on the plane.
+More travel gear here, and my dream travel wardrobe here.
+Just stocked up on some travel minis of my favorite beauty products, including this cleanser, which Mr. Magpie and I are both addicted to (we talk about it at least one night a week) and my favorite body oil. I ordered from Revolve because they have fast and free shipping and the code TULIP gets you 15% off, but you can also order an even wider range of Osea’s products in mini sizes from Osea itself, and MAGPIE10 gets you 10% off your order. I’m truly addicted to the body oil. I use it daily. Gives the BEST summer glow.
+I’m also testing this travel shampoo and conditioner a Magpie recommended awhile back! Can’t beat the price. I was about to order an Oribe travel set and this is like 1/3rd the price!
+Shopbop is offering an extra 25% off sale. Love this unusual swimsuit.
+Speaking of swim, lots of Hunza G on sale here.
+Did anyone snag some of Rhode’s newest cheek flushes? Everything this brand releases goes viral!
+I just bought this precious romper for a new baby!
+A fab dramatic earring. Loving all the chunky gold earrings out this summer.